Optus and Telstra may not operate a cartel in terms of price fixing like the ACCC are alleging of Visy and Amcor, but they seem to be running a lacklustre customer-service cartel at the expense of Australian users.

While Optus’ products and advertising haven’t changed much since Singapore Inc’s acquisition of the telco in 2001, what has changed significantly are Optus’ customer service levels.

Optus, like many companies, has shipped virtually all of its call centres offshore, resulting in customer service assistants who sound like they can’t be bothered assisting. Case in point — try getting a service disconnected.

First, Optus makes their customers go through a series of voice-prompts which don’t understand, crucially, the human voice. Eventually, after stating the nature of the problem in order for the voice recognition software to work, the user is transferred to an operator (after ten long minutes of Greensleeves, interrupted with exhortations of gratitude for wasting your life on the phone).

Then, the Optus employee who answers will not be able to help. Ask for “disconnections” you will be put through to someone who only handles business disconnections, who then must put you through to the residential disconnections unit.

The third person to whom customers are transferred will handle “phone only” disconnections and can’t process a disconnection of a phone line bundled with an internet package. The fourth person can’t process the disconnection because the user is with Optus Direct. Fifth operator. More Greensleeves. Same security questions.

Bad service doesn’t break any laws. Optus doesn’t promise customers their requests will be handled in a timely manner. Further, Optus operates in a virtual duopoly with Telstra (who are only marginally better), so ultimately the shoddy customer service won’t harm revenues. Customers quite literally have nowhere else to turn.

Optus knows this. Under Singaporean ownership, Optus CEO Paul O’Sullivan has been viciously cutting costs to overcome thinning margins. In 2007, Optus’ revenue increased by a fairly pedestrian 3.5% (to $4.1 billion). At the same time, net profit leapt by 35% to $804 million, no doubt helped by moving thousands of jobs to India — last month, Optus announced another 300 call centre jobs would head that way.

Had a run-in with Optus customer service? Send your story to boss@crikey.com.au