Turning overkill into an artform. We all know that people who write voiceover scripts for TV network program promotions suffer from a lack of sensibility and judgment. Everything is breathlessly dramatic: “at a special time,” “extraordinary,” “stunning success,” are some of the mindless clichés that spit out of the their laptops. They don’t have much time, only a few seconds and the program they are pushing to viewers is quite often not top drawer: or can be a repeat, a filler, or just plain dross. They have turned, in some cases, overkill into an art form. But for the past couple of days the Ten Network has been guilty of surpassing even these low standards with perhaps the most egregious example of promo script overkill heard on Australian TV. That in itself might be a bit of hyperbole, but consider my case. In the voiceover for promos for the Last Tomb of Jesus screened last night, the Ten voice said:”The millennium’s greatest discovery,” come again? Yes, it said “The millennium’s greatest discovery.” Err, were they sure? So all those wonderful breakthroughs such as, the printing press, penicillin, (even TV,) moving pictures, mastering electricity, quantum mechanics, the wonderful creativity of Shakespeare, Mozart, Bach and Picasso, the stump jump plow, violet crumble bars and meat pies: everything reduced to nothing. And you know what’s really sad? No one at Ten, from the top down, to those in the newsroom or in management, said anything, and halted that outrageous piece rubbish from being broadcast. But then Ten does bring us Big Brother. And what happened to the Tomb program? Well it remains “The millennium’s great unwatched discovery” now: Just 659,000 people watched. Fourth in a five horse market. — Glenn Dyer

Will Adam Boland be Nine’s Messiah? The Seven Network’s gun producer, Adam Boland, hasn’t decided what to do when his contracts expires in a few months time, but if he wants to think big, he can think Nine Network. The country’s former number one network is waiting for a Messiah to arrive; perhaps it’s the Sunrise executive producer. The Sun Herald gossip pages in Sydney on Sunday had Boland wandering away from Seven when his contracts expires next February, just as The Australian’s Media Section last Thursday had him taking a walk next year because no one takes him seriously. If he wants to be taken seriously, there are two jobs at Nine he might want to think about filling. Network Director of programming and the ‘executive in charge’ of Nine. The Network director of programming is Michael Healy, the ‘executive in charge’ of Nine is Jeffery Browne. Healy runs Nine with an iron fist, helped by two other members of his troika, Andrew Backwell, the head of production, and John McEvoy, the head of factual and everything else at Nine. Numerous independent TV producers with programs to pitch for Nine have run across the Healy/Backwell/McEvoy triumvirate. And Nine staff with ideas have found the trio the same group of naysayers. Healy/McEvoy and Backwell (who wasn’t liked by Eddie McGuire) effectively run Nine, the programming, the acquisition of content and the placing of it in the schedule. Jeff Browne, Eddie McGuire’s former offsider and manager, looks after the legal stuff, Ian Audsley looks after the day to day operational stuff and Garry Linnell looks after the day to day stuff in news and current affairs. Jo Horsburg is Nine’s head of drama and Steve Crawley is the head of sport. Ian Law is the head of PBL Media. But they are all bit players because anyone wanting to deal in content has to deal with Healy, McEvoy and Backwell, one way or another. Just ask Cos Cardone, Nine’s former head of Light Entertainment. The reason he quit was because every time he put an idea up for development, everyone said great and then proceeded to pull it apart: the not invented here syndrome among the troika; with Jeff Browne running interference. Garry Linnell; won’t be at Nine for much longer as 60 Minutes John Westacott continues his campaign for the top job, so that gig is out for Adam Boland. Boland won’t find a rapturous welcome at Nine if wants to venture there: too many contenders there waiting to bring him down!

Last night’s TV ratings
The Winners: Monday night and after the good start to the week, Nine tripped and stumbled and never recovered from 7.30pm onwards. 14 programs with a million or more viewers. Border Security was tops for Seven at 7.30pm with 1.828 million, Seven News was second with 1.614 million and Today Tonight was third with 1.468 million. Home And Away was next with 1.466 million. Surf Patrol averaged 1.462 million at 8pm for Seven and the second audition of Idol averaged 1.443 million, which was quite solid. A Current Affair was 7th with 1.342 million, Nine News was next with 1.313 million and Seven’s Criminal Minds lifted to average 1.295 million at 8.30pm. Nine’s Temptation averaged 1.205 million at 7pm, 1 vs 100 averaged 1.142 million at 8.30pm and suffered because of the collapse at 7.30pm. Ten’s 8.30 Law And Order SVU averaged 1.048 million and the 7pm ABC News was 13th with 1.014 million. Seven’s 5.30pm program, Deal Or No Deal averaged 1 million neat and was the final program in the million viewer list. Neighbours averaged 918,000 at 6.30pm, Australian Story, 893,000 (and with a very interesting story for cancer research). Top Gear on SBS, 748,000 for the caravan holiday episode.

The Losers: Losers? Nine’s What A Year. 658,000 people at 7.30pm. That affected the rest of the night. It was a turkey last year and a few months resting hasn’t improved it, nor switching hosts to Bert Newton and Julia Zemiro. If any blame is to be laid at their feet, its that they are labouring unfairly, having to carry the weight of the network and its programming department. It was almost as bad as Ten’s The Last Tomb of Jesus, 659,000 at 9.30pm. James Cameron was the author of this, the man who gave us the Titanic. At least that floated as a model in a tank of water in Mexico. And Seven’s Shark, at 9.30. James Woods, unbelievable. If we want escapist crime drama on a Monday night there’s Law And Order SVU on Ten at 8.30pm.

News & CA: Seven News again won nationally and in every market but Adelaide. Today Tonight also won nationally but lost Melbourne and Adelaide to ACA. Ten News At Five averaged a strong 957,000, the Late News/Sports Tonight, 257,000 after The Last Tomb of Jesus which ended around 11.40pm. Nine’s Nightline started at 11.30pm and 282,000. The 7.30 Report averaged 693,000 (Border Security made a mess of it). Lateline averaged 304,000, Lateline Business 130,000. World News Australia on SBS, 200,000 at 6.30pm, 137,000 at 9.30pm. 7am Sunrise on Seven, 412,000, 7am Today 236,000. The 9am Morning Show on Seven, 178,000, KAK on Nine at 9am, 122,000, 9am With David and Kim, 99,000.

The Stats: Seven won with 29.6% (27.9% a week ago), from Nine on 23.9% (21.2%), Ten with 23.4% (28.8%), the ABC on 16.4% (15.6%) and SBS on 6.7% (6.5%). Seven won all five metro markets. Ten was second in Perth. Its share in Sydney (21.2%) was lower than any market. Seven leads the week 26.2% to 25.0% for Nine and 24.1% for Ten. In regional areas a different result with WIN/NBN narrow winners for Nine with 27.4%, Prime/7Qld with 27.2%, Southern Cross (Ten) with 22.3%, the ABC on 14.8% and SBS with 8.3%.

Glenn Dyer’s comments: Andrew Denton’s Enough Rope won the 9.30pm timeslot last night, beating Ten’s Last Tomb, Seven’s Shark and Nine’s ER, and that’s heartening for TV viewers. An intelligent program (Cadel Evans and retired distance swimmer, Susie Moroney and her mum) that was worth watching, and viewers agreed. ER was once a ratings powerhouse, now it’s trying to prop up a Monday night for Nine. Shark was new and won’t get old on Seven. Ten needs something else for the timeslot but will struggle. Denton again shows up the paucity of thinking in the ABC running Midsomer Murders on Sunday nights at 8.30pm. Denton’s program would set very nicely there.Tonight it’s RSPCA Animal Rescue, Medical Emergency, All Saints on Seven, and then at 9.30 the return of the interesting Life Begins with Caroline Quentin. The ABC has the first of six parts on two rich guys try to revive a faltering football club in inner Sydney. Foreign Correspondent will be worth watching at 9.20. Nine gets serious with eps of CSI Miami and CSI New York not listed a repeats but first run. It also has Things To Do Before You Die. Will the world end as a result of the natural order on Tuesday nights being disturbed? Ten has a fresh Simpsons and a fresh NCIS: not many of both left. And a fresh Numb3rs. SBS has Insight at 7.30 on younger anorexics and why: Just look at all the emphasis on weight on TV, in newspapers and magazines and all the disparaging comments about Britney Spears etc etc.