The new 42-page citizenship guide is a long joke with punch lines that will leave you in stitches. Here’s a sample:

 

  • Page 5. A slap in the face to Howard’s dog whistle claims that Aussie values are unique. Instead, they are values “important in modern Australia” and are “values and principles … central to Australia remaining a stable, prosperous and peaceful [as opposed to “peacefulnistic”] community”. My sides almost split when I read that these values “provide the common reference points for our free and democratic society.”  
  • Page 5. Australia’s alleged “Judeo-Christian ethics”; p13: our “Judeo-Christian heritage”. As if it’s something we’ve had since Captain Phillip landed here in 1788. Try telling that to Rabbi Raymond Apple who, in a July speech, cited Dr Arthur Cohen’s book The Myth of the Judeo-Christian Tradition and Other Essays. Cohen writes: “The so-called Judeo-Christian tradition is … a myth produced by Christian guilt and Jewish neurasthenia to obscure the basic fact that Christians and Jews, to the extent that they are seriously Christians and seriously Jews, are theological enemies.” I argued a similar point in a NZ Fairfax paper: “[T]he whole notion of Judaism playing a key role in the development of Western European culture seems strange when one considers that it is only in the last 60 years, following the horrors of the Holocaust, that Western Christendom has finally faced up to the reality of anti-Semitism.”
  • Page 5. “Australians reject the use of violence, intimidation and humiliation as ways to settle conflict …” Funny that. When ACMA found that a Sydney shock-jock’s broadcasts effectively incited violence on Cronulla beach in December 2005, the PM defended him and claimed “he is a person who articulates what a lot of people think”.

  • Page 5. “Freedom of speech allows people to express themselves and to discuss ideas”. So if I am Pastor Danny Nalliah, I can say things about victims of domestic violence that I couldn’t say if I was Sheik Hilaly?
  • Page 6. “Religious intolerance is unacceptable in Australian society”. This never stopped Howard government ministers from patronising religiously intolerant groups like Catch The Fire Ministries and the Exclusive Brethren.
  • Page 6. “Everyone in Australia must obey laws … no one is ‘above the law’, even if they hold a position of power …” Unless your name is Alan Jones. In which case, the Communications Minister will defend you and attack the legal officer who ruled against you!
  • Page 6. Apparently “Australia has a secular government with no official or state religion”. Don’t tell that to the folks at the Australian Christian Lobby who use every opportunity to despise secularism yet can still have Howard and Rudd address them. And Mr Howard loves sending special messages to Danny Nalliah who openly call for the “Christian right” to take over Australian politics.
  • Page 7. “Men and women have equal rights in Australia”. Unless they are gay. And we will only protect women from muftis while leaving them at the mercy of pastors (see para 5 above). Further, we won’t protect women from domestic violence. During the PM’s reign and in his home state, domestic violence incidents against women have jumped by between 40% and 50%.
  • Page 39. the “citizenship test … is designed to assess whether you have a basic knowledge of the English language”. The booklet’s authors seem to have not much more of this basic knowledge. One of the Aussie values is clumsily referred to as “peacefulness”.

The jokes end when the booklet champions the white armband view of Australian history. It seems Keith Windschuttle authored the bits on page 11 claiming dramatic decline in indigenous population during the 19th and 20th centuries was “due to a number of factors”. Most blame is put on “the impact of new diseases”, while there is a passing mention of “conflict with new settlers” and “small scale battles between settlers and Aboriginal people” (p20). An extremely sanitised view of Aboriginal history is found on pages 29-30, with facts presented as the subject of “debate” and injustices glossed over as minor details.

If becoming a citizen required a track record of words and actions and not passing a mere test, John Howard and his ministerial minstrels would be the first to fail. Many of us wouldn’t be far behind.