The week according to First Dog On The Moon :

 

The week in one liners:

PM John Howard promised that aborigines would be recognised in the Australian constitution, borrowing the American constitution’s definition of blacks as counting for three-fifths of a white man…

Kevin Rudd announced that he supported the death penalty for Robert McClelland…

Greg Norman was inducted into the Sporting Hall of Fame, accompanied by a number of female sport stars, including Chris Evert. It is not known whether “the shark” got a hole in one…

The CFMEU has objected to public servants meeting with the HR Nicholls Society, saying if anyone’s going to meet with the government to do sleazy deals on IR, it’s going to be the Forestry Branch of their own friggin’ union…

It’s official! Pregnant woman may drink wine. Woman wanting to be, should stick to tequila shooters…

In response to recent events, massacres have now been timetabled at most American high schools, after “civics” and before “shop”, whatever the hell they are…

The US Marines are lobbying to have their entire Iraq contingent moved to Afghanistan to shore up beleaguered Marines corps there. Operation “Deckchair” is scheduled to land in codename “Titanic” within weeks…

A doctor who saved the life of a patient who had ingested anti-freeze by administering top shelf spirits intravenously is now working shifts at the Botanical Hotel, South Yarra…

George Pell has criticised “Donald Duck heresy” in the Catholic Church, presumably a reference to priests who can’t keep their pants on…

Lindsay Lohan has left detox and entered retox…

Tom Cruise has built a bunker in his backyard to protect him from alien invasion a further act of irrational paranoia that may rule out further movie roles leaving him no alternative but to become Federal Minister For Immigration…

Pamela Anderson was married to the maker of Paris Hilton’s sex video, Robert Saloman in a lovely, white, trash wedding…

Anderson said Salomon knew how to “push her button”, referring to the Sony X300 waterproof minicam that will tape the honeymoon…

A grassroots campaign to help defend a woman who was fined $220,000 for downloading 24 songs online was cancelled after it was discovered that six of them were by Nickelback…

New TV series The Gift , publicised as a story of organ donation, turned out to be the Eva Longoria sex tape…

Britney Spears rejected claims that she was not taking a drug and alcohol test seriously, saying she’d been up all night preparing for it…

And finally the week in trash with Helen Razer:

Perhaps it is unkind or, more pertinently, proof of certifiable madness, to hope for the undoing of others. But, really, when will The Veronicas lose their breast elastin and thus disappear from view, affording us all respite from their empty twin-on-twin erotic promises?

In an act, no doubt, calculated to make jaded p-nises of the world unite, the gals may have “hooked up” (to employ the parlance of the world’s most jaded p-nises) with OMG! other twins.

And not just ANY old pair found confused in the waiting room of a laboratory that fastens electrodes to the temples of the identical. NO. Famous twins.

I did not, before today , know a great deal about the band Good Charlotte. Other, of course, than the awareness that they s-ck harder than an expensively educated North Shore lass might should she make her way into the chambers of James Blunt.

Not only, it seems, do they blow BUT they’re brothers and twins AND one of them has impregnated …

Oh, you know who. Desist in the pretence that you do not. To exercise the words of the Veronicas themselves, Do I gotta spell it out for you?

Yes. Nicole Richie. Nicole is so TOTALLY going out with Joel Madden. And brother Benji (sic) is TOTALLY in love with Sophie Monk. You may recall Sophie’s work with hyper-real confection Bardot. If you do not, you are truly blessed.

Perhaps this act of brunette worship by Les Frères Madden is what set Miss Monk off on a mope marathon in time for the Nickelodeon something-or-other awards.

Britney continues her descent into Baudrillard’s dreaming this week. I don’t think I care anymore.

 Oh, the vile and talent-free entrepreneur Snoop Dogg has been ordered to undertake 160 hours of community service. I couldn’t be ars-d reading the entire article but I glean the charge may have had something to do with a truncheon. If only one could be pressed into the service of the civic for bad acting and creepy misogyny.

The most elegant celeb recovery from community service, of course, came in the fetching person of Naomi Campbell . (Naom’s currently doing things for charity. Nice.

I was always befuddled that NC should have been convicted of anything. Let alone punished. Anyone so genuinely beautiful and glamorous should be afforded untrammelled access to all the mobile phones and housekeepers she can beat.

And, oh, how we loved her when she stepped out of the NY Department of Sanitation and into a Dolce gown. The Queensland harridans are barely fit to polish her spike heels.