So, let’s get this straight…

Q: Was the fascist dictatorship of George Bush in the US of A the only country not to sign up for the Bali Road Map at the UN conference on climate change yesterday?

A: No, the only country not to sign was the democratic, freedom-loving military junta of Myanmar (the artist formerly known as Burma). The US may have had “grave concerns” about signing but Burma just has graves.

Q: Did the UN climate change conference in Bali set any targets for greenhouse gas emissions post-Kyoto in 2012?
A: No. Not as such.

Q: Will the signing of the UN Bali road map on climate change bring an end to global warming and stop the icecaps from melting?
A: No. Not as such – but we do have a beginning.

Q: Will we all be ruined?
A: Absolutely Mr Harahan!

Q: Who else had reservations about signing?
A: The JAC nations (Japan, Australia and Canada). Like the US, these three industrialised nations are over their limits for Kyoto Protocol greenhouse gas emissions set in 1997. They can expect additional penalty payments and limits to be imposed on them when Kyoto runs out in 2012. They could find the arrears placed on top of any new target. This will cost jobs. Except for Japan, they all have plenty of fossil fuels left to burn to keep their wheels of industry turning.

Q: Who had the least reservations?
A: The greedy Euro spider-pigs from the EU nations (European Union). These fat burghers have spent 300 plus years burning their entire stock of fossil fuels and now import oil from Russia and the Middle East. They have ample supplies of nuclear, wind and hydro power and have no desire to share their rich standard of living with the poorer nations of Africa, Asia and Latin America. The Euro spider-pigs want the third world to buy their exports rather than solve its own poverty crisis through economic growth and development.

Q: Do you have issues about that?
A: Too right! The Old World Euros created this global warming crisis in the first place with their bloody industrial revolution. Now they demand the rest of the world cop a 60 to 80 percent reduction in their fossil fuel consumption by 2050 so they can live off the fat of the land at our expense.

Q: How can they do that?
A: The Euro spider-pigs are sitting on a mass of carbon credit offsets to sell to the New World and the Third World because Kyoto reductions were all based on the year 1990 – before the Soviet Union socialism imploded and Eastern European industrialisation and energy consumption collapsed. They will sell us carbon credits because they have them coming out their ears. Also, interesting to see that Bali 2007 absolves the EU from aviation and transport emissions. Nice one that!

Q: Which countries were the most relaxed about signing their names at the bottom of the Bali road map?
A: The BRIC (Brazil, Russia, India and China) bad boys. These fast-growing developing countries are the real Bali winners. They are also the largest polluters and do not have to take any responsibility for their greenhouse gas emissions for the next 43 years. They have been asked to reduce them and said they would try – then gave the rest of the world the bird!!

Q: Aren’t you being a little unfair on the poor developing countries?
A: Yeah but, no but! After burning fossil fuels and deforestation, cement making is the third largest contributor to global warming. China is bristling with 12-lane concrete freeways waiting to take its 30 million aspirational middle-classes to their city apartments and the Olympic Games in their BMWs. Why should we cut back on generating cheap energy from our abundant coal resources to maintain our employment levels when China is building a new coal-fired power station every week?

Q: Who was the greatest winner from the Bali bunfight?
A: Host nation Indonesia by a country mile. Got to host 12,000 delegates and up to 8,000 free-loading green carpet-baggers and anti-capitalist NGOs in one of the world’s great luxury resorts for 15 days.

Q: What was the best deal done at the conference?
A: Every year Indonesia gets to burn down so much of its native forest (that is not illegally logged first) so as to cause a smoke haze that covers the globe. From Bali 2007, we will now have to make annual payments to the Indonesian military-industrial complex, not to burn it down.

Q: And if we don’t pay the blackmail?
A: They will burn it down, like they always do.

Q: Have the scientists got any to do with global warming?
A: They invented it.

Q: What is the final destination for the road map?
A: Pass.

Q: What is the present difference between the Liberal Party and the Labor Party on global warming?
A: Up to two years. The Howard government promised to bring in a free market for emissions trading (metric tones of carbon dioxide equivalent) before 2012. The Rudd opposition has offered to bring in the same thing before 2010.

Q: Where will the next two UN conferences on climate change be held?
A: Warsaw in December 2008 and Copenhagen in December 2009.

Q: Not as warm as Bali?
A: Indubitably.

Q: Speaking of Bali, what was Jemaah Islamiah (JI) terror network spiritual head Abu Bakar Bashir doing visiting the three Bali bombers on death row in Batu prison yesterday and why were they all smiling? 
A: Bashir (himself a convicted terrorist) said he wanted to boost the spirits of the three before they faced the firing squad.

Oh… I feel a little chill.