January

George Bush announced a one-off surge which was cause for optimism amongst many since the last one produced his and Laura’s lovely twins.

The general public voted Tim Flannery Australian of the Year in an early sign that they were going all out to mess with the rodent’s head.

John Howard says he was not embarrassed to present the author of The Weather Makers with the Australian of the Year Award, saying he had always been a big fan of Australian fiction.

Nevertheless, despite indifferent polling up against new leader Kevin Rudd, most commentators thought come election time John Howard would pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Ban Ki-moon was the word on everyone’s lips, as for the first time in history the UN secretary general is chosen only by people who have bought Hello Kitty merchandise.

February 

In an aviation first, a Qantas air hostess received complimentary nuts from a passenger.

The 2008 American presidential campaign entered its third year.

A whole twelve months devoted to a focus on the Arctic and Antarctica was misunderstood when many thin, twitchy people drank and shagged like minks before sitting down sobbing in the shards of car windows they’d just smashed, as International BiPolar year was celebrated.

Busty bottle-blonde Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in her motel room of a cocktail of drugs, the mental image of the sorry spectacle enough to persuade many men that they’d stay away from heroin, but were more willing than hitherto to consider necrophilia.

“She died doing what she loved” one of the nine possible fathers of her last child said. “Being passed out on the floor from a speedball”.

March

In an attempt to embarrass Kevin Rudd, Senator Ian Campbell resigns as Minister for Environment because he met with Brian Burke. Some see Campbell’s actions as taking a bullet for the coalition’s electoral chances. Others simply that Campbell is first coalition lemming over the cliff.

Colombia began its tenure as World Book Capital – the book being that on annual hmoicides, with four figures pretty quickly going into odds-on.

April

The Solomon Islands are hit by an earthquake and a tsunami. “Honiara looks like a squalid, unlivable mess”, say local commentators just before the ground starts to shake.

Aussie girl Mary Donaldson showed how much she had been taken into the hearts of the Danish people when her giving birth to a baby daughter does not result in her being burnt at the stake for failing to produce an heir.

Nicholas Sarkozy becomes a clear favourite in the French presidential race after it becomes clear that his name comes out much sillier in a faux french accent than any competitor.

May

The Airbus 380 was introduced, a luxury jet whose enormous size and unprecedented legroom was necessitated by the fact that it will cater almost exclusively to c-cksuckers.

Drug use in the Tour de France is suspected when the twelve lead riders overshoot the finish line in a desperate search for a ride-thru ATM.

An Indonesian passenger jet arrived safely at its location, mysteriously not vanishing in the jungle

June

In Melbourne’s King Street, a lawyer got shot by a bikie having a domestic with a lap dancer in an incident which becomes the centre of both local soul-searching and a comprehensive new international Tourism Victoria campaign.

July

Russian journalist Alexandr Litvinenko was poisoned, the suspicious nature of the meal served to him in the London restaurant quickly detected after someone noticed it was warm…

In countries across the world, a ban on smoking in pubs causes the pavements outside venues to be crowded with desperate smokers, giving the appearance of an epidemic of prostitution, except in the north of England where they’re barely noticed among all the crack whores.

At Live Earth concert Al Gore becomes the first overweight, middle aged man with no rhythm to front a rock concert since Pink Floyd got back together.

After running out of relevant song lyrics to quote in Parliament to embarrass Peter Garret as selling out his former beliefs, the government forced to just hum “doo-doo-doo-do do-doo-doo” from “The Dead Heart”.

August

Equine flu claimed another victim as a NSW bestiality film shoot was forced to close down.

After being found by London police with an ecstasy tablet, former rugby league star Andrew Johns admitted he had a drugs problem – he needs to find a better hiding pace for his drugs.

The government sent troops into the Northern Territory, having run out of foreign desert regions to screw up.

September

Despite Kevin Rudd maintaining an impressive lead, pundits expected John Howard to get a boost in the polls once he called the election and pulls a few rabbits out of the hat.

Queensland Premier Peter Beattie resigned, saying he wanted to spend more time with his family, especially now that they have grown out of that shitty teenage phase and no longer live at home.

John Howard promised he would retire sometime after the next election, any sources suggesting, probably about 9.30pm on the evening of it . Nevertheless, pundits…

Speaking from Cambodia, Lleyton and Bec Hewitt were “devastated” by claims that they had not done all they claimed to help an orphanage. Bec then read out a poem about it and the orphans ran away and rejoined the Khmer Rouge …

A four thousand word essay by Fidel Castro was read out in full on Cuban television. Channel Seven bought the format.

In an attempt to make it an interesting contest, the AFL considered ordering Geelong to play itself in Grand Final. The subsequent match suggests they did.

To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the digital “smiley” emoticon, the man who created it, Pittsburgh professor Scott E. Fahlman, is held down and punched in the face for several hours.

The jailing of underworld figure Carl Williams for 35 years was held to be a sign that Carlton was no longer run by deranged gangsters, but only by people who’ve never been to a Meanjin editorial meeting. 

At APEC the whacky Chaser crew embarrass the Australian government, and possibly score a political coup, by smuggling in a comedian barely pretending to be a real political leader. In December the Liberal Party learn from the stunt and elect Brendan Nelson.

The Chasers later said they never thought such a flimsy pretext could make good television – in a comment on David Gyngell unrelated to the previous issue.

October

“Crazy” John Ilhan’s death at the age of 42 caused many to reflect on the inspirational example of a man who devoted his one short life on earth to making it easier for people to tell other people that they’re on the train.

Party-loving footballer Ben Cousins announces that he went to LA for rehab, a comment made comprehensible by the fact that the last part of the word turns out to be ‘-ituation’.

George Pell criticised “Donald Duck heresy” in the Catholic Church, presumably a reference to priests who can’t keep their pants on…

Lindsay Lohan left detox and entered retox…

Pamela Anderson was married to the maker of Paris Hilton’s sex video, Robert Saloman in a lovely, white, trash wedding…

Boy George was charged with chaining a man to the wall of his living room an act the police said was unlawful imprisonment and the singer said was “using warm tonal elements to offset the dominance of the fireplace”…

November

Early positive returns for Labor on election night had people besides themselves waiting for that rabbit. Instead it became clear that, due to a communications error, John Howard had instead produced a pooch, which he then proceeded to scr-w.

Asbestos campaigner Bernie Banton died. At his funeral, the eulogies were found very distressing by many people, especially Tony Abbott, for whose political career they were.

Australia entered a bold new era as a bespectacled, personally unassuming man committed the country to waging foreign wars, and took unfair dismissal laws off the table.

The Judge in Glenn Wheatley’s tax fraud conviction appeal said that a prison sentence would send a strong message to the community – that we don’t want another f_cking John Farnham tour….

The Hollywood writers strike entered its tenth week with substantial public support related to the fact that it prevented the making of a second series of “Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip”.

There were sporadic reports of voting regularities in the Russian elections…

December

Executives of the AWB were charged with the heinous crime of making Caroline Overington look good.

Music pioneer, Ike Turner beat ex-wife Tina once again … to the grave.

Close study of the sub-prime mortgage market and the wider collapse of the global banking system confirmed that the future of western society hinged on good holiday period sales of Guitar Hero III.

An Arabic looking man (beard, archaic dress, mammal-drawn transport) was shot down by US forces after being observed planting devices in chimneys, as the leaders of the western world confirmed that as, we have nothing to fear but fear itself, this would continue to be our sole growth industry through 2008 and beyond.

Happy Festivus, and joyous airing of the grievances! – H. Cortes, Kim Serca, Nick Seed, Jack Lee, Aj Entzees and others.