We have been sitting in the airless assembly hall for some time now watching first the Lowbottom Junior String Quartet (cat gut was never so close to its origins and the baby cry of toms in rut), the Lowbottom Brass Ensemble (Blood Sweat and Tears has a lot to answer for), the Lowbottom Drama Players (the denizens of Oberon’s fairy kingdom as vampires almost works) and finally the Lowbottom Singers.

This last group is anticipated with a relish among the staff, which would probably surprise the singers and their teacher Svetlana Kropotkin.

Not in art or nature have we witnessed anything quite so revolting and a cult has built up as a consequence. And really it is not so much the singing (and that is undeniably bad in a Whitney Houston sort of way) but the choreography that accompanies the ululation that is the killer. The pelvic grab, besides, is such an unfortunate move especially when it is performed by adolescents all of whom are yet to have their orthodontic braces removed. But we are nearing the end of the entertainment component of presentation night, which has stunned the assembled parents into first silence and then rapture.

This, however, is but window dressing for the real business of the evening.

Our principal Imre Kevorkian mounts the stage from the side, his academic gown flowing in what he believes (more than likely) to be a pleasing Batman manner. He is wearing a tie whose paisley swirl appears to depict the fertilisation of an ovum by a determined sperm.

“Good evening, school, and welcome to presentation night for 2009. It has been a fascinating year and I think a successful one. On your way in tonight you will have noticed the extensive building work, which has been generously funded by the federal government. I would like to reassure parents at this stage that the minor asbestos scare is behind us and we were better to contemplate the future. I am also happy to announce that the complete recovery of those students who went missing during the Duke of Edinburgh hike. It was an anxious 48 hours but all’s well that ends well.

“When I look back on the year I see our students competing manfully and, ah, womanfully in the many sporting fixtures in which the school is involved. Yes, there were many absences from regular classes but it is worth it to see our lacrosse team, for instance, almost triumph in D-grade or the softballers perform creditably in their rise from the ashes of last year to be 15th on the regional table. And what about those footballers who really stuck it — that is, showed their opponents how to play the game. The parents of the opposing team, by the way, have withdrawn their class action and now acknowledge that football is necessarily a contact sport. Well done, all.

“It is in the academic stream, though, where we have really excelled. I guess these are not softballers or lacrosse players. Just a little joke. Anyway, it is now my pleasure to congratulate the following: Fong Ling, mathematics dux; Kim Sung, science dux; Dimitri Perestroika — I think I have that right — history dux; Toula Mavridopoulos, English dux; and finally Amee Smith, art dux. We congratulate you all and hope that we have prepared the way for your final school year at Melbourne High and MacRobertson Girls’ High.

“Now if everyone would rise for the singing of the school song led by our marvellous Lowbottom Singers. There will be light refreshments in the foyer kindly donated by our canteen, which needed to clear out its leftover food for the holidays. Good evening to you all.”

And so, after some hours, we make like fur seals and eat our body weight in sausage rolls, chicken nuggets and soggy sandwiches, the contents of which are open to conjecture. We live for small benisons.