The Jock Wrap: Scientologists are sports people too

Crikey’s Production Manager Leigh Josey and Crikey cartoonist extraordinaire First Dog on the Moon look back at the week in sports. Did you know that Polish chess player Ksawery Tartakower was born on this day in 1887? Either did I.

Leigh Josey: Happy Monday First Dog. Firstly, a big thank you to Crikey Sports reader Frank Campbell for suggesting the name of our weekly Crikey sports wrap — which from now on will be forever called … “The Jock Wrap”…

Firstdog Onthemoon: Is that a Scottish thing?

Leigh Josey: Perhaps. I thought its origins were from Liechtenstein. And speaking of that most wonderful of principalities, did you catch any of the bobsleigh from the Games over the weekend? Crashes galore!

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah! Liechtenstein are shit and Monaco shouldn’t be allowed near a bobsled track thingy ever again! Shonks! But of course the Aussies were robbed. That bloke couldn’t even get his elbows back in the sled — I blame that stupid Canadian elbow inflating air. And we were robbed in the Aerial Skiing whatsits as well. Don’t they know our nuggetty hard working Aussie ski sheilas are the back bone of this country? I didn’t fight in two world wars so we could lose at the Snowlympics to China! FFS. Seriously though, every time some Asian beats whitey at the Snowlympics I cheer myself hoarse. Go the cross country skiing yellow hordes!

Leigh Josey: I was secretly hoping that the Aussies could be the “Cool Runnings” of the Vancouver Games. John Candy’s role would have been played by Bill Hunter

Firstdog Onthemoon: I thought Bill Hunter was dead? I know John Candy is. Zombie Bob Sled! There’s something that’ll get the kids watching! You could expand it to the whole snowlympics. Channel Nine presents the ZombieSnowlympics dead from Vancouver! Imagine doing the biathlon with a chainsaw and a shotgun.

Leigh Josey: Eddie would make the perfect host…

Firstdog Onthemoon: Zombie Eddie McGuire eats Johnny Weir’s Brains – “No Eddie No!” – Channel Nine issues terse apology.

Leigh Josey: Ha! But I do have to say two thumbs up to Eddie’s “courageous” interview with Johnny Weir. He copped a lot of crap for his commentary and he took it on the chin and interviewed Johnny. Did you see any of the men’s free skating? It reminded me of how Fremantle played footy in 1995.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I did not see any of the men’s free skating, however I still feel I should comment. It was magnificent! It has certainly come a long way from the days when it wasn’t as good as it is now.

Leigh Josey: Perfectly put.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Eddie on the other hand was mealy mouthed and dodgy and even a bit creepy. “Ooh ooh there was some controversy but we didn’t mean it. And they were wrong anyway” Johnny Weir is a true gentleman. He is also hilarious and I may even watch his stupid TV show.

Leigh Josey: OK then. Footy. Good to see my boys Freo take on that colossus of the competition Melbourne and easily put them aside last night. North Melbourne had a great win against the cats. Sydney and Saints won. Will Barry Hall play for the Doggies next week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I believe everyone will front up for the Dogs vs. Hawks except Johnno (calf) and Buddy (mystery illness). Should be an interesting match. NAB Cup shits me though. You can put as much store in pre-season outcomes as you can if you dreamt the game. I would like to enjoy the Roos beating the Cats by 1 point except I can’t. Interesting that they are thinking of getting rid of the pre-season next year. Can’t say I’ll miss it. What about this thing with two byes for each team once the gold coast turn up?

Leigh Josey: Not sure. Gold Coast will screw everything up. I hate them already. And Johnny Weir is their mascot

Firstdog Onthemoon: Is that a gay joke? Shame on you! Leigh Josey, Crikey‘s own Mick Molloy! But that is funny. It would be much better if all those gay AFL footballers could come out. I think we would all have a lot more fun. I mean, all those blokes admitted to being aboriginal in the 80’s. That wasn’t so hard.

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. I meant that Carrara is an ice rink. Anyway — NRL, a few trials over the weekend. The Roosters beat the Tigers and the Storm played and beat the Harlequins in London. What a bunch of clowns

Firstdog Onthemoon: What about the Russel Crowes. How did they go? I once had a beer at the Rabbitohs social club in Redfern. They have pokies there and everything.

Leigh Josey: That’s excellent. They lost to the Titans in Coffs Harbour. Catch any of the A-League finals?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Melbourne won. My friend Paul was quite happy about that. He said this on his Facebook page “Walking around the office chanting Victory songs. It’s so nice to beat the scum.” And anything that makes Paul happy makes me happy. It would help if I knew about the other teams now that I am a sports commentator but I do not. (note to self – do research on soccer)

Leigh Josey: Well the Jets beat Gold Coast and the Wellington Phoenix beat my beloved Perth Glory. New Zealand is a sham country and we should go to war with them. (Disclosure: my dad is from New Zealand)

Firstdog Onthemoon: My Dad is from Queensland and we should SO go to war with them. Thong wearing fuckers.

Leigh Josey: We got criticised last week for no Rugby Union coverage. Thoughts?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah fair enough. If I was into Rugby Union and we didn’t cover it I would criticise us too.

Leigh Josey: Does that mean we just covered it?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I think we should declare war on Ruby Union as well! We should send it back to Indonesia where it came from and sink the boats! Why can’t they be like those nice gay aboriginal ice skaters from Queensland?

Leigh Josey: I’m not sure — but the Waratahs and the Brumbies both lost their Super 14 games in South Africa. Union is dead to me now. Sportsperson of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Me again. I ran 10km yesterday and 4km the day before in only 23 mins 02 seconds which is not a personal best but who are you to judge me? It is a miracle that I am this fat and can even get out of bed in the morning. And we haven’t talked about the wrestling yet?

Leigh Josey: My sports person of the week is Tiger Woods, slightly ahead of Torah Bright, slightly ahead of Johnny Weir. Woods is a tool. Can play golf though. OK. Wrestling. What about it?

Firstdog Onthemoon: It was brilliant. The opening match was a fatal three-way for the Women’s Championship with Vixsin, Lowzen (current title holder) and someone else whose name I missed. The match opened with Vixsin running full tilt and leaping from the ring down onto the other wrestlers who were standing on the floor. She is fearless and I love her. Also I drank beer, don’t tell Sophie. Actually my sportsperson of the week is Vixsin. She rocks.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Also Tank retired. He had a good match with The Hitman and a couple of other guys for the tag team championship (retained). I spoke to him briefly about it in the toilets afterward. He will be missed. The match of the night though was Morphine and his opponent The Golden Labrador (not his actual name – I missed it). Morphine is my new favourite hugely fat wrestler.

Leigh Josey: OK. You have a problem. Underreported sport of the week? My nomination is cricket. Apparently it’s still going. Yours?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Well it could have been women’s cricket but no. Channel Nine showed the women’s Twenty20 match Australia vs. New Zealand on Saturday afternoon. Big ups to Channel Nine and I never thought I would say that. It was good TV. No, it was great TV, I loved it.

Leigh Josey: First Dog, if this was an Ultimate Fighting Championship bout, I’d have to submit. Thanks for your time and Happy Celebrity Day (if you were a Scientologist).

Firstdog Onthemoon: How do you know I am not? I’ll have you know I am an Operating Thetan Level 7 with Sea Org and home cut fries.