The Jock Wrap: We’re back … and with white line fever

Crikey’s Production manager and sports aficionado Leigh Josey and D going on C grade celebrity cartoonist First Dog on the Moon are back. It’s been a few weeks– we’ve missed you more then you’ve missed us — but we are here and reporting for duty. So much has happened in sport in the past few weeks and we are not going to lie to you — we probably won’t cover it. But we’ll try. And that’s got to count for something, doesn’t it?

Leigh Josey: Hello First Dog on the Moon! It’s been, well, ages since we’ve caught up on the intertubes and chewed the proverbially fat on the shaky vessel that is the Jock Wrap. I’d like to tell our single reader that The Jock Wrap was indefinitely suspended due to cocaine use and a police investigation is pending. As such we cannot comment on our absence and we will make further comment when we are in a position to do so. All media are advised that there will be no comment from the club until that time.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I thought it did a hammy! That’s what the footy blogs were saying. That and testing positive a third time and getting run over by a deranged fan in a golf cart.

Leigh Josey: To our defence, we had the Federal Budget — you were in Canberra, having tea at the Lodge, eating cake with the Deputy Prime Minister — they say long distance relationships don’t work…

Firstdog Onthemoon: No I was eating cake with Prime Minister’s cat at the lodge, when I had tea with the Deputy Prime Minister it was at Parliament House and we had meringue. Actually I had the fruit flan.

Leigh Josey: Did you talk about the Bulldogs with Julia Gillard, who is the Number 1 ticket holder down at Whitten Oval?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Julia and I spoke of many things, all of it off the record. I can tell you that the Prime Minister’s dog Abigail is a huge Adelaide Crows supporter.

Leigh Josey: Seriously? Poor thing…

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah, it stems from an incident years ago where she rolled in a dead one and was locked out of the house for two days.

Leigh Josey: Speaking of all things Canberra. Your boys, the Western Bulldogs, played in the nation’s capital on the weekend. Had a good win. Big Barry’s back and firing. How do you see your season thus far?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Finally on track. We played some of the footy we know we can play. We’ve all just been sitting around waiting for the season to start. We have some big ins this week. “Ins” that is not a word, nor is “outs”. Johnno is an out and so is Murph so those are two big outs. Outs outs outs. That is funny. Murph has been out of form for ages so we are winning without him. Johnno is kind of the same. We get Liam Picken back this week – it is so nice to have a tagger – so he is a good in and Griff is back so that is another big in, he has been great. Big ins! Ins ins ins. Outs outs outs. Ahahahahaha

Leigh Josey: We’ve been through this before. No more coke. Only coke zero for you. Well my boys, Fremantle, have had it tough of late. I’m only going to say this once, as I may throw up in my mouth a little, but … Collingwood are good. Bloody good. Bloody scary good. I actually didn’t think we played too bad. A little tired maybe, Collingwood had stronger bigger bodies yes. But … the Pies are flying. For Freo — it’s been a fantastic ride so far. Completely unbelievable. I’ve waited 16 years for this and then Michael Johnson goes and gets himself the subject of a police investigation for cocaine use. Bloody Freo.

Firstdog Onthemoon: The pies are peaking too early. That’s all I’m saying. Nice to see the Saints getting flogged though. If you recall, at the start of the year I said they were one ACL injury away from finishing eighth. Prescient doesn’t even begin to describe how good I am at this. Also, I heard some other guy say it at the pub but that is not the point.

Leigh Josey: Well it’s been a big few weeks in sport for off the field stuff — most recently Fremantle’s Michael Johnson, and before him Geelong’s Matthew Stokes, joined an exulted list of sports stars with white line fever including Diego Maradona, Chelsea’s Adrian Mutu, Belgian cyclist Tom Boonen, Mike Tyson, French tennis player Richard Gasquet and Swiss miss Martina Hingis. And then we had the Melbourne Storm salary cap scandal. What’s your take on all this things Dog?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I have never tried cocaine. Is it any good?

Leigh Josey: I didn’t inhale. But seriously, will both these things harm their respective codes? And how would you, a celebrity cartoonist, address these issues if it were up to you?

Firstdog Onthemoon: There are regular drug tests here at Crikey and I pass with flying colours every time. We Professional Cartoonists are role models in the wider community and we just have to accept it. There’s all those kiddies running around on Saturday mornings at AusDraw with Onthemoon on the backs of their little jumpers. Adorable. I have a duty to those little tackers and their mums and dads. So it’s not just about what happens on the page, what happens when I fire up photoshop in the morning, no. This is a job 24 hours a day, I didn’t go at number 1 in the 2007 draft so I could just piss it all away. I can’t afford to be getting smashed at Crown or the Mona Castle and bringing the brand into disrepute. There’s always some joker who wants to have a go at me in a nightclub or some wayward flibbertigibbet who wants to show me her etchings. It’s all part of the job and if want to stay at the top of my game I just have to make sure I keep my head down and my digital pen on the drawing tablet. To be honest, it is a small price to pay for glory.

Leigh Josey: OK then. Let’s move on shall we? The Rabbitohs, your glorious Russell Crowes, are sitting 5th on the ladder in the NRL. How much of this do you attribute to Ridley Scott?

Firstdog Onthemoon: All of it. That and Sigourney Weaver’s performance as Ripley in the Alien franchise. Also Carey Elwes in Men In Tights. And the Gobbledok.

Leigh Josey: Now let’s play around the world in sport in the time it takes to drink a pint of Carlton Draught (sponsorship pending)… In a word describe Mark Webber’s Formula One victory in Monaco…

Firstdog Onthemoon: As Winston Churchill said “A man does what he must – in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures – and that is the basis of all human morality. ”

Leigh Josey: The Australian Cricket team’s loss against England in the Twenty20 World Cup final?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I think it was also Winston Churchill who said “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; and even though we are shit at cricket and nobody cares about 2020 because it is crap we shall never surrender.”

Leigh Josey: The Australian Women’s Cricket team’s victory over New Zealand in the Twenty20 World Cup final?

Firstdog Onthemoon: You made that up

Leigh Josey: Hmmm … I thought you were the feminist in this relationship. Anyway, what’s this week’s underreported sport of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: You say that like it is a bad thing. Seriously, I have not heard hide nor hair as they say, about the Women’s Auxiliary winning the cricket anywhere. I was making a political point about the patriarchal nature of the media. So this week’s underreported sport of the week is Women’s Cricket, which is not as funny as Newt Sticks or whatever that other one was but really. Also I am going to the Roller Derby on Saturday night so I will be able to talk about that next week.

Leigh Josey: We all await your dispatches with bated breath.  My underreported sport of the week goes to bridge, the true sport of kings. Texas Monthly has a fascinating interview with bridge legend Bob Hammam. Rock and roll. Sportsperson of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Hey who won that Chess thingy?

Leigh Josey: Indian chess legend Viswanathan Anand beat Veselin Topalov in the final game of the World Chess Championships. You can read Ian Rogers’ peerless coverage exclusively for Crikey here.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Viswanathan! I knew he could do it. Topalov and his crafty stratagems all came undone in the end. Ha! I loved reading the chess stuff. So much that I missed the end of it. Julia Gillard is my sportsperson of the week for her kind offer to play Full Forward for the Western Bulldogs. I reckon she’d be great, although as I discussed in yesterday’s cartoon I suspect she might be handier at Centre Half Forward, or even roaming across the back line like Jarrod Harbrow.

Leigh Josey: Excellent choice. I’m choosing Australian female cricketer Ellyse Perry for her 3 for 18 and subsequent player of the match in the Women’s Twenty20 final. It’s her or Tony Abbott. Mr Dog, it’s been a pleasure, see you next week unless you are busy sharing fairy bread with Christopher Pyne.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Not if I see you first, you aging hack. Someone needs to tell you before you get the tap on the shoulder, it’s time to hang up the boots mate, you just don’t have the pace you once did. Go gracefully, make it seem like your decision, you can do a farewell lap at the reserves grand final. Or I’ll see you humiliate yourself again next week.