The Jock Wrap: Barry explodes, building implodes and roller derby

This week Crikey’s Production ninja Leigh Josey and cartoonist First Dog on the Moon try to talk about sport but get sidetracked by sport. First Dog went to the Roller Derby you see. He was quite excited. Why do people try and make Barry Hall upset? What’s he done to you?

Firstdog Onthemoon: HHHAAAAAALLLLYYYYYYYY HHHHAAAALLLLYYYYYY — He might be a thug Brad Scott but he’s our thug! You are a disgrace Scott Thompson 16 who are you anyway nobody that’s who what a weak act — you are a disgrace — pushing over a bloke when he’s tying his shoelaces is that how you want to play football is that how you want to be remembered as Mr Brave Underwear? Number 16? He’s the guy who pissed everyone off when North were shit for that whole time. He’s the guy who made Steven Milne look like everyone’s favourite guy — and as for you Brad Scott — if your team want to play like that go right ahead – look at the scoreboard you moppet 70 points and we took our foot off the pedal in the last quarter because we are soft – but not mentally weak like you shinboneheads — Arch would be turning in his grave if he was dead what a pack of low mongrels and now Thompson comes out and is all “ooh I thought I was going to faint because of mean Mr Hall and his headlock after I bravely pushed him over and tried to run away when he was tying his shoelaces” what a brave fellow and WHERE WERE THE UMPIRES — GIESCHEN YOU FLOG THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! If Hall goes for this it is open season on forwards — you can’t blame north for treating Barry Hall like Barry Hall if they choose to play the man and not the ball, if they want to play their football in the gutter like slime covered quivering cheating slimes they can but the umpires can’t single out Hall as someone who gets less frees than that glittery sprinkled princess Divewoldt who swans about like he has helium up his arse and if you go near him he bursts into tears and gets a penalty because someone looked at him the wrong way — but no you can belt Barry Hall in the kidneys like a mongrel dog all day long and no one cares because it’s not democracy, it’s not football, its fascism and the TERRORISTS HAVE ALREADY WON!!!!

Leigh Josey: …hmmm … Morning First Dog. Needed to get that off your chest?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I feel much better now

Leigh Josey: I’d hope so! I was in a good mood until I found out that the chick that Geena Davis played in that shit movie with Tom hanks, A League of their Own, died. Her name was Dorothy Kamenshek. I can’t believe that movie was based on a true story.

Firstdog Onthemoon: You see the problem is that in spite of years of feminism and the hard work of pioneers like Dorothy Kamenshek and Betty Friedan and Carmen Lawrence, we still have a propensity in the mainstream media to refer to women as chicks. Shame on you. I should arrange for Pat Gash and Kitty Von Krusher from the Victorian Women’s Roller Derby to come around to your house and punch your face in except that I don’t actually know them and they frighten me.

Leigh Josey: So how was the Roller Derby?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Man, those chicks were hot! It was an entirely excellent spectacle. A fierce battle between the Dolls Au Go Go and last year’s Champions the Dead Ringer Rosies (who appear to be the Hawthorn of the competition as they are now rubbish).

Thousands of hipsters and hotrod enthusiasts were packed uncomfortably into Puckhandlers Stadium in distant Reservoir (it is unfortunate because this venue is simply not suitable for the success of Roller Derby — it really needs to be in a venue with actual seating and that is closer to my house).

Me and my posse of nervous older lesbians had a marvellous time even though it was a one sided contest. The Dolls got off to a flying start and never looked back, the final scoreline being something like 170 to 70. I could explain the rules but I won’t. There is audible commentary and the referees are almost as entertaining as the contest.

Suffice to say, it is an excellent spectator sport which combines the theatrics of professional wrestling, the hepness of enormous angry women on skates and genuine physical skill and hardness into a gripping contest. Also the queues for beer and hot chips were not too long at all. Win!

Also there is a constant metal soundtrack and the halftime entertainment was a guy in a baboon suit doing air guitar renditions of hard rock classics. It could not have been better if I invented it myself.

(click to enlarge this crappy photo that First Dog took with his iPhone)

Leigh Josey: Sounds like good clean family fun. Meanwhile (LJ: and thanks to Crikey’s own wonderful Amber Jamieson who pointed this out to me and I forgot to credit her. Thanks AJ) , is this not the greatest front page of a newspaper you have ever seen? (according to First Dog … gross picture alert!)

It was in Saturday’s New York Post. Fancy a caption competition First Dog?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Caption competition? If you like — but no fart jokes. Fart jokes are banned from all caption competitions that I have any association with ever. I would possibly suggest something like “Barry Hall responds to being pushed over while tying his shoe laces.”

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. OK. Moving on. Australia plays New Zealand in our last match before the World Cup tonight at the MCG. It’ a “friendly” but any sport involving us vs. the kiwis is always anything but friendly. It’s New Zealand for God’s sake! This is a lose lose match for us. We must crush them 12-0. Your thoughts?

Firstdog Onthemoon: My money is on the All Blacks — I love those guys. Will they do the Haka?

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdMCAV6Yd0Y[/youtube]

Leigh Josey: I don’t know — they are called the All Whites though not the All Blacks though so who knows. Might be lame if they do the Haka.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Perhaps they could do something like this then…

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz5kla5sFM4&playnext_from=TL&videos=c2XiPJsZDOc&feature=rec-LGOUT-real_rn-1r-31-HM[/youtube]

Leigh Josey: Indeed. State of Origin 1 this week in rugby league. NSW vs. Queensland. Cockroaches vs. Cane Toads. XXXX vs. Tooheys. I’m tipping NSW — oh and Ricky Stuart just quit as Cronulla coach.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Did he? Rat jumping a stinking shark? I love state of origin — looking forward to hoping that the blues will win but they won’t. I can’t imagine why anyone would support the moroons I don’t even know how to pronounce it. And neither do they I reckon.

Leigh Josey: I think people with two first names are doomed to failure. Like Kent Kingsley and John Howard. Meanwhile, I found this article today in the NY Times. Apparently Broadcast Rights for the FIFA World Cup are expensive and “In some countries, if you want to watch all the matches, you may have to make a lifestyle change: either you will have to buy a pay-TV subscription or you may have to go to a bar.” Who are these countries that don’t watch sport in a bar? We should go to war with them.

Firstdog Onthemoon: A lifestyle change? Grow a beard I say, chicks dig them and you have somewhere safe to put baby birds and small mammals.

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. Your Underreported sport of the week? I’m thinking sailing. It’s been ages since someone did anything in that sport. Some young school girl should try and sail around the globe.

Firstdog Onthemoon: No.

Leigh Josey: Then what get’s your gong this week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Roller Derby! No seriously, it should be huge! At the moment it just the province of rockabillies and well meaning hep cats and freaks and small g goths. They really should be running it at Rod Laver or some big proper stadium kind of thing with screens and so on. Keep it volunteer because that keeps it real, man, but get some money behind it. It is nice that it is hardcore local at the moment but it is too good not to share. And anyway all those groovers can say “I was there at the beginning”.

Leigh Josey: I think that’s something we’d all like to see. Sportsperson of the Week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: It is a toss up between Punani Tsunami (on loan to the Dolls Au Go Go from the Toxic Avengers apparently) who can be seen in the photo below stealing a bag of twisties from a small child and eating them and laughing ahahahhah. Or Barry Hall who bravely did not kill anyone this week and should be commended. The envelope please…. yes it’s Punani Tsunami who almost single handedly destroyed the Dead Ringer Rosies on Saturday night even though she spent most of the match in the sin bin.

Leigh Josey: My nomination goes to the engineer/camera person behind this. A 360 degree video within the implosion of the Dallas Cowboys football stadium.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah! Robot camera people! I vote for Robot camera people too! I want one.

Leigh Josey: Mr Onthemoon, it’s been a pleasure as always. May the Barry Hall be with you.

Firstdog Onthemoon: And may you never be pushed over while doing up your shoelaces by a quivering jelly of a person.