Barnaby Joyce beer bonk ban
(Image: Supplied)

Bill Shorten and Malcolm Turnbull will meet tonight in a head-to-head “people’s forum”. Sky News, which is airing the debate, is so excited it has a live countdown ticker in the upper right of its programming. We are so excited our toes are tingling (and our throats are very dry).

But you, dear reader, might be less excited. You might be tempted to skip the whole thing, because there are still, good god, seven weeks to go, and besides, the Eurovision’s on. But never fear — we will batten down the hatches at the Crikey bunker and get through it with you, live blogging the debate from go to whoa. And we offer this drinking game to help us all.

Sip your drink when …

  • Malcolm Turnbull mentions “jobs and growth”
  • Bill Shorten mentions “putting people first”
  • Anyone mentions “a fair go”
  • Turnbull says “agile”
  • Shorten says “ordinary Australians”
  • Shorten says “innovative”
  • Shorten says “I believe …”
  • Shorten mentions “my united Labor team”
  • Anyone says “Now, [name], what you have to understand is …”
  • When Turnbull says “let me just say …”
  • When now is referred to as an exciting time
  • Any Turnbull answer that goes over time
  • Any Shorten zinger
  • Someone mentions a marginal seat
  • When The Brandis is invoked: a messy answer to a question from David Speers

Drain your glass when …

  • Either leader gives a concrete example of a wonderful Australian he met recently
  • There is a protracted argument as to whether super changes are retrospective or not
  • Anyone evokes the spectre of Tony Abbott
  • Anyone evokes the spectre of the Rudd-Gillard-Rudd years
  • They trip over each other to distance themselves from the Greens

Do a shot when …

  • You can’t stand it anymore and switch over to check on the Eurovision semi-final
  • Turnbull refuses to apologise for being wealthy
  • Shorten refuses to apologise for being a unionist
  • Anyone admits to a preference deal