John Podesta

WikiLeaks has been releasing thousands of emails stolen from the chairman of Hillary Clinton’s US presidential campaign, John Podesta (or at least it was, until Ecuador took away Julian Assange’s toys).

Donald Trump has been screaming (for he has no other volume) for the media to pay attention to the Podesta emails, but no one has, because they are all in the tank for Hillary. We, however, are always happy to shine a light in the darkest corners.

Here’s a list of the top 10 most scandalous, game-changing emails of the latest Podesta leaks.

Let the conspiracies begin.

1. It’s a lovely day

From : Karen Sack of ocean conservation activism group Ocean Unite

To: John Podesta

“I hope you are enjoying this gorgeous Washington weather.”

2. How to make risotto

From: Peter Huffman, friend and former colleague

To: John Podesta

“So I have been making a lot of risotto lately … and regardless of the  recipe, I more/less adhere to every step you taught me. Question: why do I  use a 1/4 or 1/2 a cup of stock at a time? Why can’t you just add 1 or 2  cups of stock at a time b/c the arborio rice will eventually absorb it  anyway, right?”

From: John Podesta

To: Peter Huffman

“Yes and no Yes it with absorb the liquid, but no that’s not what you want to do. The slower add process and stirring causes the rice to give up it’s starch which gives the risotto it’s creamy consistency. You won’t get that if you dump all that liquid at once.”

3. I’m sick, NOT drunk

From: Gabe Podesta, Air Force Captain and John Podesta’s son

To: Mary Podesta, John Podesta’s wife

“I’ll give you the long story later, but I got to the airport and puked on my shoes (sick, not drunk). I’m on same flight tomorrow (landing early Wed)  and am heading home now to crawl in bed.

4. John Podesta’s son, Air Force Captain Gabe Podesta, might be  a ladies’ man

From: Christopher Edley, assumed family friend

“We promise to do better by Gabe this coming year. We know he’s  prone to idleness, delinquency, and general troublesomeness. So we’ll  help out as best we can. I particularly worry that whenever I pass him  in the hall he is surrounded by women, and smiling. It suggests a  certain lack of academic focus and serious purpose. But don’t worry.”

5. Zero-point energy from aliens could save the planet from global warming

From: Terri Mansfield, representative for deceased astronaut Edgar Mitchell.

To: John Podesta

“We work with specific [Extra-terrestrial Intelligence] ETI from a contiguous universe”

“Because of his own background as a Catholic, we feel it is imperative that John be aware of the Vatican’s interest in ETI, Extra-terrestrial Intelligence, and in sustainability for our planet.”

6. John Podesta receives political emails asking for money too

From: ACTBlue, third party political donation group

To: John Podesta

“Donald Trump turned the Republican debates into a clown show. It’s a race to the bottom.”

“Will you chip in $15 a month to help us expand our servers and handle the millions of contributions it’ll take to win?”

7. The healing properties of a seaside escape

From: Christopher Edley

To: John and Mary Podesta.

“I’m someone who – for reasons that must have to do with a past life – feels a lift in my heart, almost literally, when I look at the ocean or  go sailing. Fresh water doesn’t do it for me, perhaps because there’s  no salt water smell. Even Lake Tahoe seemed like an astonishingly  gorgeous, scary-giant postcard, rather than something I was really at.  Even when standing on the beach.”

8. University students sometimes drink alcohol

From: Wendy Abrahams, assumed family friend

To: John Podesta

“I am going to stop trying to convince him that he’d have more fun at a topless beach in Mykonos.”

9. Young people take selfies

From: Gabe Podesta

To: John Podesa

“Jonathan Spalter and I took a selfie to celebrate your BDay yesterday.  Hope you had a great day and prep is going well today. Maybe catch up with  you on the phone tomorrow when you’re back in DC.”

10. Puppies sometimes steal the news cycle

From: John Podesta

To: Anita Dunn, Obama staffer

“live on all three networks and will lead all three evening news broadcasts as currently stands – use his comments to go into bleak economic news today   Unless of course they all go with the puppy”