Rod Culleton

Good morning, Australia.

I, Senator Rod Culleton, being of sound mind and body and generally just an absolute bloody machine, am pleased to announce the formation of my brand-new party, the Culleton First Party, a party for the ordinary man and woman in the street of which I am one — a man that is, not a woman, although women are welcome in the Culleton First Party and I personally think they’re grouse.

The Culleton First Party has come about as a matter of necessity, due to the tyranny of the major parties and their illegitimate lackeys in the High Court continuing to show flagrant disregard for the rights and freedoms of hard-working everyday Aussies like Rod Culleton, who is me.

A lot of people are likely to assume that my difficult decision to leave the One Nation party was due to resentment at Senator Hanson’s failure to offer me a cup of tea and a biscuit, but that is misguided. I made it quite clear in my meeting with the leader that I had already had a tea and a biscuit and bore her no ill will for not offering me another. In fact, I am cutting down on tea and biscuits so I can keep myself in shape for sailing. But I decided to leave One Nation to form the Culleton First Party from far more patriotic motives: I simply cannot stand by and watch this great country which I love ruined by beetle-browed bureaucrats and unaccountable High Court judges and bloody great boofheads driving trucks at me.

What is Culleton First, I hear you ask, and well may I hear you ask this. Culleton First is all about EXPOSING corruption, PURSUING wrongdoers, and REWARDING hard work. The Culleton First Party will never shy away from capitalising verbs if that is what is required, because the Culleton First Party believes in Australia, this wide, brown land that was founded on principles of liberty and justice and the idea that a man can defend his own home from the wandering hordes of SWAT teams seeking to steal his bodily fluids in order to prop up the international banks who are controlling us all via a malign system of high-interest loans and hidden underground tubes built by previous governments in direct contravention of the Queen’s sovereignty. This state of affairs cannot stand, and the Culleton First Party will ensure that it does not stand.

The Culleton First philosophy is that Culleton comes first, and when Culleton comes first, Australia comes first, because I, Rod Culleton, am an Australian of good character and amazingly fit for a man of my age, too. What is good for Rod Culleton is good for Australia, and as I duck and weave the punches and kicks of the political hurly-burly, I say, what is good for Australia is to oust a rotten government that has completely FAILED to uphold the rights of common or garden citizens, FAILED to swear allegiance to the Queen thus rendering its every action illegitimate, FAILED to prevent the pernicious persecution of decent men by truck-driving fascists, and most of all, FAILED to stop the High Court sending trained dogs to my house to dig up my rose garden and plant listening devices under my lemon tree. I know you can hear me, and I say that no matter how much you hear me, I will not be silenced. The Culleton First Party will not be silenced.

At the moment the Culleton First Party is just me, Rod Culleton, but we are a young and aggressive party and are actively recruiting for more members. My wife has expressed interest in running as a CFP candidate, and there is a pale man I saw standing silently in the corner of my bedroom last night who I will be sounding out to join our team also. I will also be petitioning members of the major parties and the Greens to jump ship and get on board my ship instead, so that on this ship we can tack together as shipmates. I foresee that at the next election we will be running candidates in every electorate, and probably two or three in most.

The aim is that by 2022, Culleton First will be the natural party of government in Australia, and I will be prime minister, something I have dreamed of ever since I was a little boy refusing to have the country taken out of me. If I fail in this ambition, have I really failed? No, I have not. The genie is out of the bottle, the head is off the snake, the squid has shot his ink, the cactus flower is in bloom, the wombat’s pouch is empty. I have truly set the cat among the spiders, and rattled every cage from here to Mount Gambier, and when those cages come home to roost, the budgies will bring a bitter harvest. For me that’s what it’s all about, and that’s what Culleton First is all about. I look forward to being voted for by you all. Thank you all.