A freelance Crikey sleuth* has acquired a draft Qantas ASX statement regarding tennis legend Margaret Court’s recent declaration that she would boycott the airliner because of its support for marriage equality:

 

ASX and Media Release

Qantas Group (ASX: QAN)

Melbourne, May 26, 2017 –

Qantas Group (Qantas or the Company) is providing an emergency trading and outlook update due to extraordinary circumstances arising in the week beginning Monday, May 22, 2017. Qantas projects an imminent profit downgrade and the likelihood of a consequent rapid decrease in the company’s share price. Despite satisfactory performance in the current financial year, board and management are unable to ignore the ramifications of the recent announcement of Margaret Court AO MBE, to the effect that she will no longer be choosing Qantas for her travel needs. Ms Court’s announcement has forced us to accept that a collapse in operating revenue is now inevitable, with shareholders to suffer the unfortunate brunt.

Our records indicate that in the last 12 months, Margaret Court AO MBE flew Qantas on three occasions from Sydney to Brisbane and back at $242 apiece, once from Sydney to Adelaide at $188, and once from Sydney to Perth and back at $580. If we can reasonably project that a similar pattern were to unfold over the coming 12 months, the effect of suffering the loss of these flights will be catastrophic on our bottom line — particularly Ms Court’s trip to Perth, which forms the main foundation of our revenue base. We also have reason to believe that on several of her past journeys, Ms Court has, while on board, purchased a can of Sprite at $4.80 each, and at times a small can of Pringles at $6.45. The loss of these transactions is expected to result in severe uncertainty in our profit outlook.

Qantas management will of course enter into emergency talks with Ms Court in an attempt to resolve the situation. We are prepared to offer Ms Court numerous blandishments, including but not limited to: VIP access to the Qantas lounge; twenty percent discount on Pringles; the placement of bibles in all seat pockets, to persuade her to reverse her decision to lay waste to the company’s financial position. Although we retain hope that Ms Court will restore her custom to Qantas, we are obliged to inform the ASX, shareholders and the public that the expectation is that her decision will stand and the company’s solvency will therefore come under severe threat.

The Qantas board and management apologises to shareholders and assures the business community that it is working hard to ensure that no other sporting legends boycott our airline. Discussions with Betty Cuthbert, Kerry Saxby-Junna, and Peter “Zorba” Peters are ongoing.

-Ends

Enquiries: alanjoyce@qantas.com.au

*Actually a satirist named Ben Pobjie