Foreign Minister Julie Bishop has accused Opposition Leader Bill Shorten of colluding with a foreign power to bring down the democratically elected Turnbull government, a very serious charge indeed. But the conspiracy goes even further than Bishop knows, according to Crikey resident satirist Ben Pobjie, who has got his hands on some very incriminating emails …

FROM: billshorten@labor.net.au

TO: NZLabour@Kiwi.gov

Dear Comrades,

Project Jandal is a go. Deploy questions to parliament at will.

Sic semper tyrannis,

BS

 

 

FROM: NZLabour@Kiwi.gov

TO: billshorten@labor.net.au

CC: Wong.P@Lenin.org.au

Comrades,

Questions issued. The revolution is at hand.

Yours,

The Red Hand

 

 

FROM Wong.P@Lenin.org.au

TO: NZLabour@Kiwi.gov

You have done well, brothers. Project Jandal is unfolding beautifully. The Liberal running dogs are in disarray. Do you have the documents?

 

 

FROM: NZLabour@Kiwi.gov

TO: Wong.P@Lenin.org.au, billshorten@labor.net.au, LeeRhiannon@hotmail.com

The documents are prepared. They are indistinguishable from the genuine article. They state clearly that “James Joyce” was a citizen of New Zealand. We will deliver the documents to you as arranged, at the “G” shuttle bus stop in the long-term carpark at Tullamarine Airport. When you arrive, you will see a man in a green parka and gumboots sitting on the bench, holding a rugby ball. Say to him, “The crane flies low, but never skims the grass.” He will reply, “Yet the anteater knows not its own tricep’s circumference.” You will nod and say, “I’ll say it to the world, send a message to my girl.” He will hand you the rugby ball. You will hand him one kilogram of chocolate-coated pineapple chunks. When you are in a secure location, twist the rugby ball to open it. Inside are the necessary documents, including Joyce’s fake NZ passport, birth certificate, and doctored photographs of Joyce playing Wing Attack for the Silver Ferns in the 1984 Netball World Cup.

Yours in Conspiratorial Glee,

The Red Hand

 

 

FROM: billshorten@labor.net.au

TO: NZLabour@Kiwi.gov

Comrades, a thousand thanks. The documents were received. The government is in retreat. Project Jandal a complete success. The advent of the Glorious Soviet Union Of South Pacific Republics is only days away. As agreed, when our nations are united in Marxism, the politburo’s first action will be to convert all Australian rules ovals to rugby fields. And yes, you can move all your sheep into Tasmania.

Yours in Hatred of Freedom,

Bill

 

 

FROM: NZLabour@Kiwi.gov

TO: billshorten@labor.net.au

CC: All ABC Staff

Dear Bill,

Choice.