Hungry outsiders, rejoice!

For years now, those of us who shared a certain brand of Outsider politics and a rabid disregard for cultural elitism were forced to go hungry every night. Partly this was metaphor, as we were hungry for justice and recognition, but mostly it was literal and attributed to various unfair moments of discrimination that have seen me banned from every Hog’s Breath Cafe in the country.

Fortunately, the tides are finally turning. Turning, but not rising.

Today my brothers-in-thought, Mark Latham and Alan Jones are finally launching their highly anticipated cookbook Conversations In The Kitchen which is sure to be a massive hit amongst those viewers of Sky News who still have teeth.

To some, the idea of a conversation in the kitchen with either Mark or Alan would chill them to the core. Many would have to forgo food after such an incident. Others simply would not trust themselves to hold such a discussion in what is indisputably the most knife-filled room in any regular home. But to me, there could be nothing better.

The book’s release sparks a renaissance of the “cooking for the thoroughly cooked” movement which I am excited to join today with the release of my own brilliant cookbook, Recipes For The Man Who Usually Only Eats His Words. It’s available for purchase at all bookstores that respect the freedom of speech and also selected petrol stations that are yet to notice I snuck a pile of books into their store.

Yes, even though our books are technically in competition, it’s a broad kitchen and there is room for both. Overabundance is not an issue here, after all it’s a book about cooking a family meal targeted almost exclusively to people who eat alone in food courts. Both of our books are wonderful celebrations of the link between home cooking and tough conversations. Many a time I’ve been told that listening to me is not unlike putting a pot on your own head and beating it with a spoon. Now my fans will be able to recreate this experience for themselves.

They speak to the lost art of conversation that has been completely drowned out lately by people who say things I don’t wish to hear. It seems we’ve forgotten how to have a reasonable discussion where I talk and everyone else listens. Cooking for people is a wonderful way to achieve this goal. Either their mouths are full or they’re too busy retching and cannot interrupt my powerful monologue.

It’s also true to say that cooking opens the mind. Who would have thought that someone like me would be cooking a dish as exotic as the pad thai!? Yet here we are, two cultures being brought together by my desire to eat something weird, but not so weird that I can’t pronounce its name.

The beauty of foreign food is the ability to gain all the vital nutrients and sustenance from a culture without having to at any point acknowledge the people involved in producing it. It also reinforces the core point that people’s contribution to society only counts if it personally benefits me.

But like any good meal, the most important part of releasing this cookbook is the clean-up. For months leading up to the release of my cookbook, I received nothing but negative press. This is another area I have in common with Latham. Now, thanks to this little self-effacing piece, we’ll both be able to position ourselves as fun sideshow characters and not abhorrent loudmouths feeding off the worst in our society. After all, the only thing we’re really feeding off is the worst cuisine of the late ’70s.

“How could he possibly have a history of sending abusive messages to women online?” they’ll ask. “Have you even tried his French toast? Surely that’s the thing to focus on here.”

Yes, a novelty cookbook and a media reinvention go together like maple syrup on seafood — absolutely wonderfully, right up until the moment it causes a massive heart attack.

*This piece was submitted with the assistance of satirist James Colley. Read more of his work with Chudd here.