How miracles are made (or not) at Woman’s Day

The Offices of Woman’s Day. Weekly news conference.

In attendance: the EDITOR, DEPUTY EDITOR, ROYAL EDITOR, HEAD WRITER and, as a treat, SAM, THE WORK EXPERIENCE KID.

EDITOR: We need a cover story for this week’s issue. What have we got

DEPUTY EDITOR: I reckon it’s time we did a royal story. We haven’t done one since… how long has it been?

ROYAL EDITOR: Last week.

EDITOR: Right, so we’re definitely due then. What’s happening with the royals?

ROYAL EDITOR: I heard a rumour that Harry and Meghan are breaking up

DEPUTY EDITOR: Where’d you hear that?

ROYAL EDITOR: In the toilets, yesterday morning.

HEAD WRITER: Excellent, we have a story! So why are they breaking up

ROYAL EDITOR: Oh, you know, the usual. The Queen told them to or whatever.

EDITOR: I dunno, is that strong enough for a cover?

DEPUTY EDITOR: What if we said that Harry and Meghan are breaking up because Meghan has been having an affair with an Oscar-winning actor.

ROYAL EDITOR: Joaquin Phoenix?

HEAD WRITER: Michael Caine?

EDITOR: Better…

HEAD WRITER: We could say that Harry is having an affair too.

ROYAL EDITOR: With Pippa Middleton.

HEAD WRITER: No, with KATE Middleton.

DEPUTY EDITOR: And William is furious…

HEAD WRITER: No! William likes to watch, because he can’t satisfy Kate himself…

EDITOR: Yes! So the Queen ordered Harry to have sex with Kate…

ROYAL EDITOR: Driving Meghan into the arms of Michael Caine.

EDITOR: OK, this story is starting to take shape now. Make sure you back it up with plenty of sources.

ROYAL EDITOR: That’ll be no problem. I know how to spell “source”.

DEPUTY EDITOR: Is there any way we could go deeper into this, though? Maybe turn it into a serious investigative piece?

HEAD WRITER: Well, I have been hearing that the Queen suspects Meghan of stealing from her.

EDITOR: Wow. Where’d you hear that?

HEAD WRITER: Just now, when I said it. I heard myself say it.

EDITOR: Excellent. So Meghan’s been stealing from the Palace.

HEAD WRITER: To support her heroin habit.

ROYAL EDITOR: That makes sense. Ties in with the story I’ve been working on about Prince Phillip’s drug empire.

DEPUTY EDITOR: And Meghan’s addiction is why Harry feels he has to divorce her.

HEAD WRITER: Which has upset Meghan so much she’s gone on a three-day bender and beaten up a male stripper.

ROYAL EDITOR: It’s no wonder Meghan was upset, given she’s five months pregnant.

EDITOR: To Michael Caine. No, to Prince Andrew!

ROYAL EDITOR: Obviously.

SAM THE WORK EXPERIENCE KID: Maybe you could do a story on Andrew’s links to Jeffrey Epstein, that’s been in the news.

EVERYONE: Shut up, Sam.

EDITOR: Yep, this sounds pretty good. Harry dumps pregnant junkie Meghan to pursue love for Kate in menage a trois with brother William. Queen said to be furious according to a pal.

DEPUTY EDITOR: Which is why the Queen bought a gun.

HEAD WRITER: Which is how she accidentally gunned down Princess Eugenie thinking she was a burglar.

ROYAL EDITOR: You hate to see it.

This is the first part of an occasional series called Inside the News Conference.