Queen-Elizabeth-II-in-1970
Queen Elizabeth II in 1970 (Image: Supplied)

Your Majesty,

I write to inform you of a grave crisis developing in your dominion of Australia.

As your representative in this country I am bound to let you know that the current government, led by the rabble-rouser Whitlam, is in danger of losing its majority, and there is a chance it will be unable to pass a budget in parliament.

Should this happen, I may be called upon to make a decision that will resonate through the ages. I feel history’s eyes on me, and I am grateful for your support and counsel during these fraught times.

I will keep you apprised of developments as they occur, and should you have any advice for me in the current situation, I would be most appreciative. I remain your devoted servant.

Yours,

Sir John Kerr

Dear Mr Kerr,

Who are you? How did you get this address? I have no idea what you are talking about. I think perhaps you misaddressed your letter.

Yours,

Queen Elizabeth II

Your Majesty,

Events are now moving fast. Malcolm Fraser’s opposition has blocked supply in the Senate, and it would seem that the Whitlam government is now unable to carry out even its most basic functions.

There is a mood of unrest abroad in the land and I fear that the Commonwealth may be torn apart without quick and decisive action by those tasked with the responsibility of maintaining its survival. Australia now depends, I feel, on my willingness to do the necessary.

Should you have any wisdom to share or views on the rights and wrongs of any particular course, please do so. This correspondence will remain confidential, of course. I remain your obedient servant.

Yours,

Sir John Kerr

Dear Mr Kerr,

I have asked around the palace and can find nobody who has ever heard of you. I also asked about this “Australia” you mentioned — Phillip believes he read the name in a book once, but apart from that nobody has any information at all.

If this is not a mistake, I feel that your continued correspondence with me is some kind of prank, and I do not appreciate it. None of what you write makes any sense to me. Please reconsider any further epistles.

Regards,

Queen Elizabeth II

Your Majesty.

I fear the die is cast. I now have no option but to dismiss the Whitlam government. Whitlam himself is attempting to maneuvre himself into an advantageous position, and I expect that he will try to circumvent my constitutional role via an appeal to the palace to relieve me of my duties.

I implore you to stand fast, as I am, and hold the strength and unity of the Commonwealth of Australia above the rivalries and ambitions of individual political operatives. As your representative in this country I am sworn to uphold the constitution and put the wellbeing of the people ahead of any other consideration, and I will do so.

As I take this sobering but necessary step, I am thankful for your staunch support and friendship during what must be our most troubling national emergency. I remain your loyal servant.

Yours always,

Sir John Kerr

Mr Kerr,

Please cease and desist your correspondence. I have instructed my legal representatives to take immediate action should there be any further harassment. On a personal note, I urge you to seek professional help to deal with the delusions that plague you.

Regards,

Queen Elizabeth II