Hot off the mess: Crikey reveals shortlist for Brisbane 2032 demonstration sports

The Olympic Games thrive on tradition. One of the most enduring is demonstration sport, a golden opportunity for the host nation to slip in a few new homegrown shoo-in events.

With the Brisbane Olympics in the bag, Crikey satirist Tom Red has a few suggestions based on our current strengths.

Figure skating

Not to be confused with the Winter Olympics event, this contest pits the world’s best economic dissemblers against each other. Using dodgy modelling, irrelevant comparisons and wildly optimistic projections, opponents attempt to prove that this Olympics, finally, will be the one that breaks even.

Mixed mansplaining

Women with academic qualifications face off against male generalists. The women speak about their area of expertise and the last male contestant to interrupt, correct or speak over their female opponent wins.

Freestyle stroll-out

Contestants are given a vial of Pfizer, a pointy stick and directions to Mt Coot-tha. First to make the summit, Sisyphus-style, wins.

Aerobic rorting

Like a relay race but contestants carry bags of taxpayers’ cash rather than batons and pass them to team members in suburban car parks. 

No-target practice

Akin to archery, except the targets are carbon neutrality, Indigenous recognition and a federal ICAC. In the unlikely event that a contestant hits a bullseye, they’re out.

Artistic backflip

Not unlike traditional gymnastics, this event sees contestants bending themselves into increasingly awkward positions on climate change while trying to convince judges that their latest contortion was always part of the plan.

Synchronised blame-shifting

The aim of the game is for your team to shift blame for just about everything to your opponents. There are no rules.