(Image: Tom Red/ Private Media)

In a move that surprised literally no one, crossbench MP Craig Kelly has announced he will contest the next federal election as leader of the United Australia Party (UAP). 

UAP’s initial focus will be opposing lockdowns and other anti-COVID measures, but now that Kelly is on board what does the party’s broader agenda look like? 

Luckily, Crikey satirist Tom Red knows a bloke from the pub, who knows a woman on Telegram, who knows a bloke on the deep web who shared the following leak of the party’s upcoming platform.  

Education

  • Remove all traces of critical race theory, gender fluidity and Indigenous identity from the syllabus and replace them with episodes of The X-Files 
  • Make “boys will be boys” a national educational directive, rather than a pat excuse for entrenched sexism and poor behaviour
  • Make science an extracurricular activity, along with ethics, philosophy, critical thinking and acknowledgment of the renaissance.

Culture

  • Establish a royal commission into the mysterious disappearance of the Sizzler family restaurant chain
  • Give Wiggles’ skivvies the same legal protection as the national flag (can only be changed by referendum)
  • Offer $1 million rewards for information on the whereabouts of Elvis Presley, Tupac Shakur, the Cigarette Smoking Man, and any lizard people. (No reward will be given for “discovering” Matt Canavan.)

Health

  • Put hydroxychloroquine, ivermectin and activated almonds on the PBS 
  • Nationalise tinfoil production and establish a domestic stockpile.

Economy

  • Conduct a feasibility study into the creation of a national network of coal-fired “all-you-can-eat” restaurants 
  • Establish a government-backed legal defence fund for Australian mining and energy magnates who may be implicated in potential future legal actions in relation to catastrophic greenhouse gas emissions, rising sea levels, unprecedented environmental degradation, and the end of life on earth as we know it.     

Media 

  • Introduce compulsory vaccinations using Sky after dark serum, a new treatment shown to limit the spread of wokeness in lab rats, monkeys and people who post comments on Herald Sun articles  
  • Abolish the ABC and SBS and give YouTube national broadcaster status.

Environment

  • Privatise the Bureau of Meteorology and run it as a joint venture between Chevron Australia, AGL Energy and Woodside Petroleum
  • Introduce legislation ensuring every weather bulletin includes the opportunity for rebuttal 
  • Consider the use of extrajudicial penalties in relation to David Suzuki, Greta Thunberg, David Attenborough, Costa from Gardening Australia, Bindi Irwin, Bob Brown and Bluey  
  • Convene an international symposium of flat earth advocates from all over the globe.