(Image: Private Media)

Leslie Cannold has had enough of being even-handed and presenting Both Sides Now. Now she’s cutting to the chase: what’s the right way to go? In Everyday Dilemmas, Dr Cannold brings her ethical training to your problems. Send your questions to letters@crikey.com.au with “Dear Leslie” in the subject line. She might even reply…

Dear Leslie,

I am thriving during the pandemic and wish it wouldn’t end. I should keep that to myself, right?

Introverted, Melbourne

Dear Introverted,

Thanks for writing in and reminding me that we are all so different!

I know several people — introverts like you — who have secretly enjoyed Melbourne’s multiple lockdowns. One, a family member, has loved the way her job has become a process of roaming bookshelves in a quiet warehouse, picking out volumes to package up and send, rather than dealing with customers face-to-face. And another who has found the changes to his work practices a minor irritation compared to the constant joy of having his beloved wife and young-adult children home full-time.

Nothing to be ashamed of here. In fact I feel happy for all of you, though I suspect that until Melbourne’s lockdown, now the longest in the world, ends for good you should be judicious about with whom you share your lockdown rapture. Not because you’ve done anything wrong or have anything to feel bad about, but because others are so on edge at the moment with their own feelings of loneliness, boredom, rage, failure and/or abandonment that I’m worried they could lash out.

Read the room before you share, in other words. The second introvert I told you about certainly did when he revealed his story to me and others in the mental health field, knowing we would never judge but instead be pleased for him and understand. The first introvert, in contrast, keeps her cards close at work, but shares her truth with family and friends.

Take care and keep on (joyfully) trucking,

Leslie.

Dear Leslie,

Last weekend I was with my wife and we ran into someone who knew me but with their mask on I had no idea who they were but pretended I did. My wife was mad after that I didn’t introduce her and when I said why I couldn’t, she said I should have been more honest and told the woman I didn’t know who she was. I think that would have been rude. We agreed to write to you to find out who was right.

Redfaced in Redfern

Dear Redfaced,

You both are.

Your partner is correct that honesty is the best policy in most situations most of the time. As philosopher Sissela Bok explains, our ability to trust that what other people and institutions say is true is the foundation of relations between humans. When this trust “shatters or wears away”, relationships suffer and “institutions collapse”.

But while truth-telling must be the default, Bok recognises that there are situations where lying can be excused. It can even be virtuous, like when those hiding Jews in WWII denied this fact when the Gestapo came knocking.

In fact, as research shows us again and again, most of us lie at least once a day. These include “white lies” designed to disguise our own failings (“sorry I’m late, I got stuck in traffic”); to save the dignity or “face” of someone else (“of course I remember you!”); or to ensure social arrangements function smoothly (replying with “fine” when the supermarket clerk asks how you are rather than offering a description of your mother’s painful death).

Your lie seems to fall into the white lie category, designed to spare you and your “friend” embarrassment. So on those grounds, it gets a pass, though I’ll be frank and say I don’t recommend it. Because once you’ve lied about recognising someone once, and you can’t work out who the person is, you’re committed to the falsehood forever.

For this reason my husband and I use this strategy instead: if he doesn’t introduce me to someone when we’re out, I know this means he doesn’t know the person’s name, so I stick my hand out and introduce myself. This almost always leads the person to respond with her own name and, voila, problem solved.

Warm regards,

Leslie

Send your dilemmas to letters@crikey.com.au with “Dear Leslie” in the subject line and you could get a reply from Dr Cannold in this column. We reserve the right to edit letters for length and clarity.