(Image: Private Media/Tom Red)

Deskimos? Pivotees? Muftivation? As millions of Australians emerge from lockdown and head back into the real world, we’ll need to prep for a revamped vernacular.

Mute point

Discovering that the colleague who annoyed you during lockdown by always being on mute is way more annoying in real life when you can hear every damn thing they say.

Unfair workloads

The painful realisation that being in the office means you’ll have to load the dishwasher, do the washing, mow the lawn, make the dinner and walk the dog in your own time, rather than your boss’. 

Pivotee

Someone who’s become so comfortable chopping and changing their business during lockdowns that the prospect of a stable, predictable commercial environment is deeply unsettling.

Deskimos

Nomads who technically became part of your workplace during lockdown but have never actually met team members in real life, or set foot in the office. Coming in from the cold like this will be awkward and discombobulating for them. Use their momentary weakness to secure a window office for yourself. 

Muftivation

The positive mindset needed to ditch the activewear and squeeze into business wear.

Vax inspectors

Long-suffering retail door staff who live in fear of Karen and Chad turning up to buy a foot spa while brandishing ivermectin and a printed-off copy of the Magna Carta.

Needle point

A subtle hand gesture that indicates someone nearby may not be fully vaccinated.

Zoom scrolling

A tragic condition whereby recently re-officed staff still feel the need to open and reopen Teams and search manically for a meeting to join. Any meeting.  

Slipperage

The urge to bring your comfiest pair of Ugg boots to work and discreetly pop them on of an afternoon.

The 2.45s

During lockdown we all developed different strategies to cope with mid-afternoon motivational slumps. Now we’re heading back into the office, our routines may need to change. For example, having a cup of tea, a bit of a stretch and handful of activated almonds are acceptable in the workplace. A cheeky glass of merlot, a leisurely scroll through Netflix and a two-hour nap, less so.

Flight/fight

This hardwired survival response is triggered when your partner remarks, again, that you haven’t had a proper holiday in more than two years.

When you point out, again, that two return tickets to Paris and accommodation now costs about the same as a new car, the flight/fight impulse will kick in. Big time.