(Image: Tom Red/Private Media)

We’ve had WikiLeaks and the Panama Papers, now there’s Santagate. Crikey has obtained the Christmas wish list of many prominent Australians, along with commentary from St Nick himself about what each of them really deserves. It makes for interesting reading…

Scott Morrison

What he wants: another miracle.

What he deserves: intensive, face-to-face empathy training run by Mad Fucking Witches.

What he’ll get: a slab of Hoptimus Prime Pale Ale and a huge jar of cumin seeds.

Dan Andrews

What he wants: to become Lord High Emperor King, power unfettered and infallible.

What he deserves: to confront an effective opposition for once rather than facing up to the Judean People’s Front Crack Suicide Squad, formerly known as the Victorian Liberal Party. 

What he’ll get: a spare gas bottle.

Pauline Hanson

What she wants: to out “loon” Craig Kelly and corner the lunatic fringe conspiracy vote once and for all.

What she deserves: to be trapped in a lift with Jacqui Lambie.

What she’ll get: COVID-19.

Anthony Albanese

What he wants: nothing, I’m fine, just pretend I’m not here. Try not to draw attention to me. 

What he deserves: to see Morrison lose an election.

What he’ll get: a hung Parliament where he’ll have to lead a fractious coalition while grappling with colossal national debt, a two-speed economy, toxic international relations, an environment crisis and Bill Shorten popping in every day with “thoughts”.

Kristina Keneally

What she wants: a nice family house by the water, like the one she owns on Scotland Island, but in Fairfield west.

What she deserves: to be officially identified as patient zero of the “sharp elbows” epidemic.

What she’ll get: a $120 gift card from Bonnyrigg Bunnings.

Gladys Berejiklian

What she wants: to escape, scot-free, from all the toxic manipulative bullies in her life who speak on her behalf, brief against her and put their needs above hers. This goes for Daryl Maguire, too.

What she deserves: 12 months’ compulsory community service in Wagga Wagga. 

What she’ll get: the emcee gig at Morrison’s farewell. 

Chris Bowen

What he wants: to remove the splinters he’s collected in his backside from straddling the fence between Labor-voting windmill enthusiasts in Newtown and pig-shooting coalminers in Muswellbrook.

What he deserves: the splinters.

What he’ll get: an EV ute with bull bar and Powa Beam pro-9 70w spotlight.

Peter Dutton

What he wants: for strangers to stop yelling “Spud!”

What he deserves: a moment of blinding self-realisation where he sees himself as others truly see him.

What he’ll get: strangers yelling “Spud!”

Michaelia Cash

What she wants: an innocuous, inoffensive but binding set of words that will enable people of faith to behave as offensively as possible, in good faith.

What she deserves: to be forced to defend the Noosa Temple of Satan’s right to discriminate in favour of goats.

What she’ll get: hairspray, lots of hairspray.

Adam Bandt

What he wants: another Green in the House of Representatives. Someone he can smile and nod and tut-tut and “shame” and “hear hear” with. Someone to send notes to and share memes with. Anyone, really. He doesn’t mind. He’s just so very, very lonely. 

What he deserves: to be seated between John Roskam and Van Badham on his next flight to Canberra.

What he’ll get: home-made, gluten-free, low-alcohol vodka shots.

Tim Wilson

What he wants: to see his book The New Social Contract: Renewing the Liberal Vision for Australia become the paradigm-shifting piece of musical theatre it was always meant to be.

What he deserves: to be trapped like Sisyphus, pushing a dungball of unloved superannuation changes up a mountain, just to watch them roll back down again.

What he’ll get: cancelled by the IPA.