(Image: Tom Red/Private Media)

First it was a Top Gun sequel. Now Avatar, the highest-grossing movie ever made, is returning after 13 years. So which other blockbusters should Hollywood bring back — and how should they be tweaked to better fit our doom-scrolling world? Crikey satirist Tom Red checks the rushes. 

Bourne Again 

Our hero, Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is found unconscious on the grounds of a Pentecostal mega-church in Pennant Hills, NSW. He has no memory of who he is, how he got there and why his clothes are caked in spicy Sri Lankan masala paste. Posing as the church’s new preacher, Jason uncovers a devious plot to tithe the incomes of all Australians, a conspiracy that stretches all the way to the middle tier of the Liberal Party. 

Reservoir Dregs 

Mr Pink (Steve Buscemi) and the rest of the gang are brought together after 30 years for one final heist. Since last they met, the world around them has changed profoundly. Does old-school violent armed robbery count anymore when villains now use NFTs, cryptocurrency and the wellness industry to separate gullible punters from their wealth? In a knowing and poignant hat-tip to the original film’s “Like a Virgin” scene, the film begins with the grizzled old gangsters discussing the subtle subtexts of the Cardi B song “WAP”. 

Good Will Punting

Life has been tough for janitor Will Hunting (Matt Damon) since Professor Mork (Robyn Williams) discovered the young hoodlum’s genius-level IQ at MIT. Twenty-five years on, Will is still battling personal demons and running street hustles to make money. One day he creates an algorithm that can accurately predict the winners of dating shows. Things get complicated when he meets and falls hard for Instagram influencer and serial Love Island contestant Ellie Elbows (Frances McDormand). Can Will help Ellie rig the contest, or will the ethics he learnt keep him on the straight and narrow? 

American Psycho Goes to Washington

After amassing a huge fortune, New York investment banker Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) sets his sights on a political career. Will his violent, hedonistic fantasies help or hinder his primary vote in the key swing states?  

What Exactly Do You Mean, ‘Girls’? 

When Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) returns to her old high school as a gender wellness counsellor, she’s horrified to discover that the “plastics”, the A-list clique she clashed with while a student, have taken over the school board and imposed a harsh, pro-life, anti-LGBTIQA+ curriculum. Hilarity ensues. Spoiler: “fetch” still does not happen. 

Recatch Me If You Can

After years in jail, conman Frank Abagnale (Leonardo DiCaprio) is contacted by a long-lost Irish cousin called Joyce Allen (Jimeoin), a wise-cracking leprechaun who’s lost his magical pot of gold. Using Frank’s knowledge of airlines and Joyce’s mystical powers, the pair take over one of the world’s best airlines and deliberately run it into the ground so they can search everyone’s “missing” luggage for the gold.