Is it time to massacre Valentine’s Day?

Before the Hallmark industrial complex turned Valentine’s Day into the grasping, commercialised behemoth we know today, it used to be cool.

For example, the ancient Romans would celebrate it every February as Lupercalia, a three-day festival of sex, partner-swapping, nudity and drunkenness. Men would sacrifice goats and dogs before tearing around town whipping women with animal hides. As you do.

By comparison, the modern-day Valentine’s Day rituals of oysters, prosecco and fluffy handcuffs seem way less stimulating. But to help shake off its sanitised sameness and bring the blood and the bite back, we asked a few of our favourite public figures to pen some ardent verse.

Peter Dutton, Opposition Leader

Roses are red
But thorny you know
Just like dumb lefties
Who won’t vote no.

Michelle Rowland, Communications Minister 

Roses are red
And known for a’rambling
Who knew that Sportsbet
Did online gambling?

Andrew Bolt, Sky News presenter

Jonquils smell sweet
And make me feel frisky
Shame I’m alone
With this 12-year-old whisky.

Anthony Albanese, Prime Minister

Roses are red
Violets are blue
ScoMo’s still spewin’
Boo hoo hoo hoo.

Stan Grant, Q+A host

Agapanthus is blue
See it while walking
I’m now back on Mondays
Where I’ll do the talking.

Ita Buttrose, ABC chair

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I survived Packer
I ain’t scared of you.

Peta Credlin, Sky News host

Roses are pink
Like oleander
Let’s push Dan
Off his veranda.

Karl Stefanovic, Today Show host

Violets are blue
And come in big bunches
For poor old Clarkey?
A bouquet of punches.

Got a verse of your own? Let us know in the comments below or by writing to letters@crikey.com.au. Please include your full name to be considered for publication. We reserve the right to edit for length and clarity.