INT. STERLING COOPER BOARDROOM – DAY.
ROGER STERLING and PETE CAMPBELL sit across from PETER DUTTON and NYUNGGAI WARREN MUNDINE at the far end of a long meeting table. DUTTON looks at his watch. ROGER I met Farnham once at the John Hardy Christmas do. Took a swing at me just because I kept heckling him to sing "Flame Trees"... PETE [Nervously eyeing ROGER and DUTTON] "Flame Trees" is Jimmy Barnes... ROGER [Downing martini, glancing at the clock] What’s the difference? MUNDINE [Clears his throat] Look, is he coming or—
DON DRAPER strides into the room, looking as if he has just seen the face of God reflected at him in the toilet bowl. He nods at DUTTON and MUNDINE, winks at ROGER and PETE, buttons his jacket, and stands at the end of the table where PEGGY OLSON is setting up a projector. DON [Bleary eyed but bold] Gentlemen, forgive me, I was at a midday screening of Talk to Me... DUTTON [Annoyed] Bugger me, Draper, while you’ve been swanning about at the pictures the other side's only gone and released a bloody ad with John Farnham belting his guts out, haven’t they? You’re munching popcorn while they’re tugging heartstrings, and we’re up the proverbial creek! MUNDINE [Blank faced] Their ad was so moving. If I was at all capable of human emotions it would have had me in tears... ROGER [Downing another martini] Yes, yes, very moving. It can drive a man to drink… DON [Hands held out like he’s about to shove a child] I’ve seen the ad... [He rolls his eyes, shrugs, smirks] "You’re the Voice?" Really? That’s the best they’ve got? I don’t know about you, but hearing that song makes me think I’m about to pay $18 for a box of undercooked chicken nuggets at the MCG. DUTTON Oh yeah? Well, if you’ve got a better idea, we’d love to hear it. MUNDINE Yeah! What can beat Farnham!?! DON [Smirking, long pause] One word... TISM. DUTTON Uhhh… TISM? Isn’t that what landed Barnaby on the backbench or... DON No. TISM, as in: This Is Serious, Mum. DUTTON Oh bloody hell, here we go with these artistic types and the gender swapping. PETE [Anxiously eyeing DON, turning to DUTTON] I think what Don’s referring to is TISM, the band. They wear balaclavas. They sing that song "Greg! The Stop Sign". They were big around the same time as John Farnham, right, Don? DON [Nodding] That’s right, Pete. Except TISM were daring. TISM were unpredictable. TISM were a negation of everything John Farnham stood for. TISM looked at what was happening in Australia at that time and said... PETE [Catching on, a hushed excitement] No… DON [Signalling for PEGGY to start up the projector] Precisely. TISM were wild. TISM were crazy. TISM didn’t make sense. Just like the No campaign. DUTTON [Confused] Now hold on, Draper. Are you saying we’re crazy? That we don’t make sense? ROGER [Imperceptibly raising an eyebrow at Don] DON Yes. And just like TISM, you’re doing it on purpose. [An eerie silence falls over the boardroom as DUTTON and MUNDINE exchange offended but not incurious looks.] MUNDINE Go on. DON [Smiling like an alley cat as he clicks the projector’s remote and begins the slideshow] Let the Yes campaign have their intergenerational schmaltz montage. Let them have their narrative of hope and change. Let them take voters on a journey with a beginning, middle and end. Let them move the sentimental and the cynical to tears. It won't matter when you are going to lead them to insanity... [DON clicks the remote and a slide depicting a likeness of GEORGE SOROS handing an Aboriginal family sacks full of money labelled "YOUR SUPER" appears on screen. DON Mum and dad don’t sit on the couch watching the nightly news anymore... [DON clicks again, and a video of a grandma having to watch a mandatory Welcome to Country before logging into Facebook plays while he continues talking.] DON ... they sit on their phones, their laptops, their iPads on Facebook, YouTube and Reddit in separate rooms and separate realities, mainlining the most demented content known to man... [The next slide shows a photo of Parliament in 2026. Every member is clearly Aboriginal, besides Penny Wong.] DON ... this isn’t just a reality these people fear, this is a reality they think they already live in... [He clicks again, revealing a press release from the AFL stating that, going forward, every round will be an Indigenous round, except one, which will celebrate trans rights.] DON ... it’s all a delusion, of course, but it’s a delusion that millions of people have already said ‘Yes’ to. What we’ve got to let them know... [The next slide shows MARCIA LANGTON leading PLUCKA DUCK to a guillotine.] DON ... is that this is their chance to make it stop. [He pauses for a beat] DON Greg... [The next slide depicts CATHY FREEMAN replacing KING CHARLES on the dollar coin] DON ... the stop sign. Greg... [A slide depicting TONY ARMSTRONG hosting a reboot of The Footy Show] DON ... the stop sign. Greg... [A slide of a newspaper headline reading "POLICE OFFICER FOUND GUILTY OF MURDER OF ABORIGINAL YOUTH"] DON ... the stop sign. Greg... DUTTON [Weeping uncontrollably] Make it stop! Make it stop, please! NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOO!!! DON [Smiling knowingly] Vote No. This is serious, Mum. PETE [Shaking his head at DON in quiet awe] MUNDINE [Wishing he could emote] My God... If we pull this off, John Farnham will be removed from every karaoke machine in the nation... ROGER [Downing a third martini] Well, you’ve got my vote!
Crikey is committed to hosting lively discussions. Help us keep the conversation useful, interesting and welcoming. We aim to publish comments quickly in the interest of promoting robust conversation, but we’re a small team and we deploy filters to protect against legal risk. Occasionally your comment may be held up while we review, but we’re working as fast as we can to keep the conversation rolling.
The Crikey comment section is members-only content. Please subscribe to leave a comment.
The Crikey comment section is members-only content. Please login to leave a comment.