custardgammon

This week, I returned to my home town of Perth to attend an engagement party. I also watched Freo play Adelaide at Subiaco Oval. In contrast, First Dog on the Moon isn’t a happy camper as his beloved Doggies lost. But he ate prawn wontons … so go figure…. Crikey’s Production Manager Leigh Josey and cartoonist First Dog on the Moon look back at the week in sport.

Leigh Josey: OK. Morning Mr Dog. Firstly I’d like to apologise to our loyal Jock Wrap readership. We are doing this today, as opposed to yesterday, because I was in Perth for my sister’s engagement party. Just got back this morning. How was your weekend Dog?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Not as good as yours obviously, did you go to the game? Did your purple devils make you proud?

Leigh Josey: More than I can express in words. My sister Alana (god bless her) and her husband to be Rob are both mad Freo supporters. The planets were aligning. I haven’t seen Freo win in Perth since 2003. Funnily enough I was down at Scarborough Beach on Sunday morning having a bodysurf to rid myself of the enormous hangover I was carrying from Saturday night’s party. And who was in the surf with me? Five Adelaide Crows! Tippett and Bock looked scared (well not really). Bock was wearing Tony Abbott-esque budgie smugglers. I knew we had them then.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah whatever. I no longer follow the, what do you call it? AFJ or whatever it is. Seriously though, were you wearing your shark suit? Maybe that put them off!

Leigh Josey: Ha! For god sake man it’s only round one! Jock Wrap reader Steve asked me where the Jock Wrap was. I told him you were sulking and I was in Perth basking in purple glory. He wrote: “Freo were very impressive I thought. Freo being a good football side is a harbinger of the apocalypse.” Probably. Although Collingwood winning a flag is actually probably closer to the apocalypse. What happened to your boys?

Firstdog Onthemoon: We didn’t turn up as much as the Pies did. Also they had Harry O’Brien and we had Wil “Bonsoy” Minson. (LJ: View First Dog’s  cartoon on Round 1 here)

Leigh Josey: Bonsoy? As in soy milk?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah, Wil got sick over the off season drinking soymilk laced with mercury or iron or something. Hilarious, especially when he ran through the mark during the fourth quarter and gave the pies a goal. Killed any slim chance we had.

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. Well the Pies look scarily good. Which is a worry. If they win the 2010 flag, Melbourne will end up like the streetscapes of Mad Max.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Nah, it’s only round 1. We were missing The Glove and didn’t bring, as they say, our A game. I should say I was surrounded by very well behaved Collingwood fans, it would have been a lovely evening if it had been a lovely evening.

Firstdog Onthemoon: And while we are on the subject, our Facebook Association Football correspondent has created a marvellous t-shirt that will put fear in the heart’s of opposition supporters and a smile on the face of supporters who aren’t.

TFWW

Leigh Josey: That’s a lovely shirt! I’m not sure it’s scary — I do like it though! I was watching the Broncos play the New Zealand Warriors on Sunday morning and the Broncos got pumped 16-48 at Lang Park. That’s very unusual for the Broncos. And there were all these Kiwis there, all very happy and I was thinking “how do we stop these people coming into this country, stealing our women, taking our jobs, beating us in sport?” (Disclosure: my dad is from New Zealand)

Firstdog Onthemoon: You are racist! Wait till the Sri Lankan Cricket Team burn down your local Thirsty Camel, then you’ll be thinking why is the Kevin Rudd Government allowing these people to row down my street in their boats costing $80,000 a second. Well I say, let them all in. If we had more relaxed borders we could have had Muttiah Muralitharan playing for us because they all want to come here don’t they!

Leigh Josey: I think you’ve hit on something here. It would be nice to have a spinner in the Aussie cricket team who could turn the ball. Have you watched any of the cricket? It’s nice and green in New Zealand. Reminds me of Middle Earth.

Firstdog Onthemoon: No, I hate cricket. I thought it was hilarious that Ponting is now the record holder for being the most run outtingest guy ever. But no, I will only start enjoying cricket again when Australia lose to Bangladesh in a 5 test series so it might be a while.

Leigh Josey: Fair enough. Watch the F1? Mark Webber is like a Western Australian who comes to Victoria’s capital and rents a car — neither can drive in Melbourne.

Firstdog Onthemoon: And that dickhead guy, who did the burnout. Of course the F1 doesn’t encourage young people to drive like redheads or emos or emus for that matter. Burn them all I say! Dig a huge pit in Albert Park and cover them over. Or something. Anyway, I went to the opening night of Good Evening with Shaun Micallef and Stephen Curry last night, it was hilarious! And then the fancy party afterward! I was so glamorous. And the Prawn Wontons! To die for.

Leigh Josey: Excellent to hear. You know you’ve made it when you’re eating  prawn wontons with Micallef. Do you think Shaun would be good at sport? Newtball perhaps? Bumnuts?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Possibly everything. He might be good at this week’s most underreported sport “Custardgammon” the grand championship finals tournament has just finished in Tomsk. The coveted Gold Pant was taken out by the Zavarzino Maulers in a gripping best out of 91finals series against the Seversk Manglers.

Leigh Josey: Indeed! Custardgammon — the sport of kings!

Firstdog Onthemoon: It might sound like a version of backgammon played with custard however this is a misnomer. Custardgammon primarily involves throwing little barking dogs off extremely high cliffs and trying to land them in a bucket filled with moths. Quite cruel but very satisfying.

Leigh Josey: Sweet. Sportsperson of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Harry O’Brien — no. Shaun Micallef — no. Whoever made those Prawn Wontons.

Leigh Josey: Mine goes to Micky Barlow from Freo. It proves that anyone can live their dream and play AFL football. So Freo, I’m 29. I have no left foot and I’m freakin’ unfit. But I can hurt people and will do all the 1%s. My forte are smothers and eating oranges at halftime. I don’t think I’d be very good Supercoach value however… Thanks for your time Dog — and keep your chin up. Not everyone can be as good as Freo.

Firstdog Onthemoon: You suck