The Jock Wrap: From Bali to Thailand to a bar in Melbourne

It’s been a long time between drinks for Crikey Sports’ chief protagonists First Dog on the Moon and myself. So much so that we asked our Editor Sophie Black if we could go to a cool bar to produce this week’s Jock Wrap. And that we did. We were so excited we even made a new banner! As you may notice we don’t have a sponsor. So if you happen to be the VP of Lion Nathan or Carlton Breweries and want to plow First Dog and I with unquantifiable amounts of amber gold, please contact Leigh Josey at ljosey@crikey.com.au. Anyway…

Leigh Josey: First Dog! How are you old son!? It’s been too long! Here we are at Bertha Brown (plug may or may not be intended)  on Flinders Street in Melbourne, pints in hand. This is how the Jock Wrap should roll.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I’m well Lethal. It’s good to be back in the saddle! And it’s good to be here at Bertha Brown’s, where ever that is of course. It is where we are so it is the place to be. Except for that weird guy over there in the corner who doesn’t look like he belongs anywhere.

Leigh Josey: Is that Aker?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Not this time, but if there was ever a bloke who didn’t get the message, it was our Jason. Or Jason who was formerly ours. What a kerfuffle.

Leigh Josey: Indeed. For whoever is left from our readership, there’s a reason we have been absent. First you were in Bali and then I was in Thailand. We missed so much — such as Akergate. How was your holiday?

Firstdog Onthemoon: There is another reason which is that you are lazy and unreliable. Also you have been mouthing off so we are going to need you to spend a couple of nights in a homeless shelter with Sam Newman. Anyway. Bali was a hoot. I patted an elephant and got gastro.

Leigh Josey: Lazy? Yes. But it’s hard to motivate oneself when you know Michael Barlow is sitting somewhere, rocking himself to sleep, crying. Do you know I asked Fremantle if they wanted my fibula and tibia? Didn’t go down so well…

Firstdog Onthemoon: Oh yeah that player on that team that we beat by how much was it again? 100 points? 1000? And then there were the Blues and we can smell them on the way and North and … Anyway mustn’t get ahead of myself.

The big news for the football calendar is that the Western Bulldogs have given in principle informal approval to International Ben Hudson Beard Appreciation Day which will take place at the Dogs’ round 22 game against the Bombers. Everyone is being asked to get behind the beard and wear an official Ben Hudson beard! Proceeds will go to the official charity, “beards for babies” which raises money for underprivileged kiddies.

Leigh Josey: Sweet! Good news. I can’t remember the Freo/Doggies game. I was in a Bangkok hotel nursing a hangover and sporting a new tattoo. I’m glad that your beard day is happening. And you didn’t even need to have Mark McInnes crack onto you for it to happen.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes. That is a nice tatt. Pity they spelt “Pavlich” wrong. Yes cheap beer and interesting sewerage systems. Anyway, Aker disgraced himself. The dogs redeemed themselves by flogging your lot and we move on to the next footy story which is the interchange limit. Or Julia and Barry: a love story.

Leigh Josey: Can’t we combine both?

Firstdog Onthemoon: No. I won’t have the mutual appreciation between the two most important players in their respective fields sullied by your grubby innuendo.

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. We know the Dogs and Julia are sensitive subjects for you. How’s about we catch up on almost two months of sport in the lamest way possible: word association. Here we go … Mark Webber?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Car guy.

Leigh Josey: The Gold Coast suns?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Giant sphincter.

Leigh Josey: Ha! It’s your buy by the way. The NRL season?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes, apparently.

Leigh Josey: The Rabbitohs?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Rabbits! I love rabbits. There’s this video with a bunny and a pussycat I have to show you:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC4blr88jCw[/youtube]

Leigh Josey: How lovely. Spain winning the world cup?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Wouldn’t that be nice. It’s been ages the poor things. If it wasn’t for that stupid German octopus.

Leigh Josey: The Kiwis thrashing us in the Bledisloe cup?

Firstdog Onthemoon:

Ringa pakia!
Uma tiraha!
Turi whatia!
Hope whai ake!
Waewae takahia kia kino!

Ka mate, ka mate
Ka ora’ Ka ora’
Ka mate, ka mate
Ka ora’ Ka ora’

Tēnei te tangata pūhuruhuru
Nāna i tiki mai whakawhiti te rā
A Upane! Ka Upane!
Upane Kaupane’
Whiti te rā,!
Hī!

Leigh Josey: Did you write that yourself?

Firstdog Onthemoon: The hairy man the hairy man.

Leigh Josey: Ok then. What about the AFL? If you were Andrew Demetriou would you be happy with this season?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I would be happy with no huge umpire controversy and I would be happy with the top four teams being so even. I would be happy with the expansion plans even though nobody else is. But most of all I would be happy with the giant pile of money I roll around in when I get home every night.

Leigh Josey: Indeed. Let’s turn to the election briefly. If you wanted to beat Christopher Pyne in the seat of Sturt which sportsperson would you choose to parachute in to beat him?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Whoever won the world parachute championship. That shit is dangerous!

Leigh Josey: I think it’s this guy:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkpFi18Ii60&feature=related[/youtube]

Leigh Josey: Uh ha. Ok sports person of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: The People’s Beard, and I should warn you that it will be the People’s Beard until the end of the Home and Away season unless Alf dies and Marilyn gets cancer.

Leigh Josey: Cool. I’m picking Tony Abbott. See him at bouncing the footy at Windy Hill? The girl’s got game.

Firstdog Onthemoon: He was awful. You are a disgrace. I’m starting a book on who goes first, you or Matthew Knights.

Leigh Josey: I’ll take $50 on me.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Me too. One last thing: did you see the photo of Nicola Riewoldt’s arse in the Herald Sun today? Let’s end there:

Leigh Josey: Yeah. Terrible work by the Hun. Underreported sport of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: It certainly is.

Leigh Josey: Awesome. For me it’s Grudgematch 5. Ex pat Dockers and Eagles supporters playing one game a year in Melbourne (disclosure: I am the vice captain of the Fitzroy Dockers). The Fitzroy Dockers beat the East Coast Eagles by one point. We have won three years in a row. Cheers to my skipper Clint Lubke and best on ground for us, Benno. Commiserations to Eagles skipper Gavin “Stash” Ashley. That’s what I am talking about.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes, but who kicked the winning goal? Crikey‘s answer to Mark “Jacko” Jackson that’s who! Mr Josey’s little boy Lethal. Well that makes you the sportsperson of the week in my book Mr Josey. We’re all very proud.

Leigh Josey: It’s a team game my friend. Anyway been a pleasure as always Dog. Do you think Sophie (our Editor) will let us go to the pub every week to do this?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Who? I run my own race to use a sporting analogy. I’d like to see those apologists for main stream media mediocrity try and stop me! You maybe, but pas moi!

Leigh Josey: Until next time…