We read The Australian so you don’t have to. Let’s sum up today’s edition …

There was the front-page “exclusive” by chief ABC attack dog Christian Kerr and colleague Jared Owens, who got Foreign Minister Julie Bishop to say the Australia Network is “struggling” because, well, it’s looking at acquiring programming from Sky News (as it does from plenty of other networks). And a news report from Nick Leys (the journalist who yesterday joined the ABC as a spinner) on the ABC’s concessions on reports of asylum seeker harm.

Plus conservative warrior (and former ABC board member) Janet Albrechtsen’s predictable 1165-word spray on bias and malpractice at the broadcaster. (“Eight years later, the ABC under [managing director Mark] Scott has failed on every measure.”) And Sky News presenter Peter van Onselen dismissing conspiracy theories around criticism of the broadcaster over a thorough 1670 words.

There’s the accompanying editorial, of course. (“The ABC’s fascination for ascribing the actions of other journalists to political or commercial motives is a worry because it seems to be a convenient excuse for avoiding facts and it provides a disturbing insight into how they think journalism works.”) And that nasty score-settling Cut and Paste column, with another 628 words of ridicule.

That’s 5583 words. In today’s edition alone.

And yet we’re expected to believe this line from van Onselen’s diatribe:

“To assume that News Corporation’s commercial interests played a role in editorialising about the Australia Network is a conspiracy theory on a grand scale.”

Pull the other one, Peter.