During the holiday period, Crikey will be running guest editorials by movers and shakers. Today’s guest editorial is by Campbell Newman.* Please enjoy!

Hello Queenslanders. Any Non-Queenslanders here? A few hands, OK, then for your benefit, I’ll speak faster than normal.

Some of you have been critical of my decision to call an election for lunchtime this Friday, but I — what’s that? Unconstitutional? According to who? Oh. January 31. That late?

Some of you have been critical of my decision to call an election for January 31, and I understand. Believe me, I wouldn’t be having elections at all if I could get away with it, but there it is. Queensland, the can-do state, where we have no upper house, no oversight committees, and I appointed a bloke as chief justice coz I accidentally ran over his dog and owed him one.** But you keep having to reapply for your own job. Doesn’t seem right.

In the four and a half days since I was elected, and pissed a 63% two-party preferred vote up against the wall of one of the many unspeakably ugly buildings in South Brisbane, we have achieved many wonderful things. With the broadest possible support for a program of steady centre-right economic management, we embarked on an insane economic jihad against all state services, insulted the entire judicial system, and instituted a bizarre moral panic which made it illegal for two blokes with beards to stand at the same traffic light. That shits all over digging tunnels, which is something I’m shit at too.

Good work, especially the last. Unfortunately, we are still menaced by the scourge of gangs who would destroy our way of life. Well, my way of life. The Annastacia Palaszczuk gang — Annastacia Palaszczuk … is that a name or a movie on SBS? — the Palmer-job mob, and Krazy Bob Katter.

But they’re nothing compared to that unspeakable bunch of bastards, the LNP. Those bastards would have me tied upside down to one of the overpasses by which we spare ourselves from accidentally seeing any part of the river before you can say “one newspaper proprietor town”. And now Peter Dutton is stealing my bikies thing. Peter Dutton. Jesus. Good thing that cadaverous bastard didn’t visit any medical anatomy schools when he was health minister, otherwise he would have been in 16 separate jars by now. There’s still time.

There’s still time for all of us. January 31. Four weeks! Jesus! How’s Abbott going to stay out of the country till then?

Yours,
Could-be-done Campbell

*not really.

**not strictly true.