My fellow Australians,

I write to you today not as a Minister of the Crown with control of a large government department and a special car to take me anywhere I want to go; I write to you as simply a man. An Australian man, with a love of my country and my God, that burns all the more brightly when I see injustice. I am writing to you, my fellow Australians, to plead with you to help end this injustice — I am asking you to help me save Christmas.

Saving Christmas has a long and proud tradition in our culture, from Yogi Bear to Ernest, and I hope to join that proud honour roll. Yesterday, dear patriots, I was on the radio with my good friend Ray Hadley (I just call him Ray: we’re pretty close), and I heard a story that I could barely even believe, so vile was it. A school — an institution of learning, tasked with the care of our own Australian children — hat refused to sing Christmas carols! A school that sang We Wish You A Merry Christmas, but replaced the words “merry Christmas” with “happy holiday”.

I said at the time that this made my blood boil, and I meant it. I was incandescent with rage and had to be restrained by Ray’s producer from eating my own microphone from pure fury. And the fact that this den of iniquity was located in my very own electorate, the electorate of Dickson, where I had always thought the people were decent, hard-working, God-fearing, mostly white Australians! I feel some measure of personal culpability for this distressing development. Perhaps I have been too complacent: in focusing on the “big issues” involved in my job as a very important cabinet minister who frequently gets to have dinner with Malcolm Turnbull and fly on planes, I may have neglected matters closer to home. I have secured the borders of this country, but it seems that while I was doing so, I have failed to secure the borders of our Christian heritage.

Well, this must end. We must have no more of these wannabe social engineers trying to brainwash our kids into believing that Christmas is racist and Jesus is Hitler. If teachers want to ban Rudolf and wear T-shirts that hurt my feelings, let them do it in the privacy of their own homes or in the meth labs that are so popular with lefties these days; when they are in a school environment, their job is to teach our children the true meaning of Jingle Bells. Whether Marxist principals like it or not, this is a Christian country, and at the heart of Christianity is one core message: the little drummer boy. Take that away, and what have you got left? Nothing, which is exactly the end goal of the crypto-terrorists now staffing our schools.

That is why I am calling on all good Australians to take action NOW. Rise up against the politically correct bully boys who would strip the innocence from our children as easily as they strip the clothes from their bodies during the pagan bacchanalia with which they have replaced Christmas. Let’s show the hateful Left, who love to protest against my smart policies but probably couldn’t stop a single boat even if they tried, that we too can march in the streets for what we believe in. And what we believe in is Christmas: a REAL Christmas, for every boy and girl currently onshore. I want Australians to demonstrate exactly what Christmas means to us: it means singing songs, in schools, about Santa and snowmen and Jesus, who specifically spoke out against do-gooders in Matthew 4:26.

As a minister, naturally everything I do is extremely important, but nothing in my career has ever been as important as this campaign: the very future of our children is at stake. Either you want your kids raised normally in a normal environment by normal people singing normal songs, or you want your kids raised by atheist psychopaths trying to trick them into gender reassignment by changing the lyrics to White Christmas so they’re about sharia law. If you’re in favour of the former, I invite you to join me on Anzac Parade at 10am Saturday, when I will be leading the first of what I hope will be many Marches For Real Carols. We will be taking to the streets to show the PC brigade that we are not going to be pushed around anymore. We want this to be a festive occasion, so wear your Santa hats, memorise the lyrics to your favourite carols, and bring whatever weapons you have handy: this could definitely, if we’re lucky, get violent.

Australia’s soul is at stake, my beloved proper Australians. We are in very real danger of losing the very thing that makes this country so special, which is children singing the right words in end-of-year concerts that nobody wants to go to. Without that, Australia might as well be China, and as a minister I assure you I have no desire to be Chinese. The threat is real, but it can be defeated. Once they hear our joyous voices raised in song, once they see our numbers massed to defend our culture, once they feel the cold sting of our righteous steel upon their feeble SJW necks … they will know, once and for all, that Santa Claus IS coming to town, and he’s never going to leave.

*As told to Ben Pobjie