Crikey has acquired* the unredacted minutes (translated from the original Russian) from a meeting of the Russian cabinet just days after the United States’ airstrike on a Syrian military airfield:
10/04/17
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Good morning, minions. I have gathered you here today to address a major crisis that threatens to upset all of the plans that we have so carefully formulated to advance the interests of Russian pre-eminence.
DMITRY MEDVEDEV: This sounds very worrying, my liege.
PUTIN: It IS worrying, Dimmy. We have received word that our actions in Syria have been attracting criticism.
MEDVEDEV: Ah, is that all? Why worry about such trivialities?
FOREIGN MINISTER SERGEY LAVROV: They’re always saying stuff like that, Lord Putin. The Americans always scolding us …
MINISTER OF DEFENCE SERGEI SHOIGU: The British saying we need to be better global citizens …
MINISTER OF EMERGENCY SITUATIONS VLADIMIR PUCHKOV: The Germans warning that we may go too far …
MEDVEDEV: It’s always something with the stupid Westerners, isn’t it. We’ve paid them no mind till now, why would we change the habit of a lifetime?
PUTIN: You do not understand. This is no ordinary criticism. It comes from a most disturbing source.
LAVROV: The Wall Street Journal?
SHOIGU: The United Nations?
FINANCE MINISTER ANTON SILUANOV: Piers Morgan?
PUTIN: Pah! These are mere irritations. No … today I have heard that we have been called out … by Malcolm Turnbull.
(General consternation)
PUCHKOV: No!
MEDVEDEV: Not … THE Malcolm Turnbull?
PUTIN: Yes.
SHOIGU: Of Australia?
PUTIN: Yes.
LAVROV: The former head of the Australian Republican Movement?
PUTIN: Even he.
(Cabinet visibly shudders)
SILUANOV: This is, indeed, serious, Milord. Lectures from the international press and diplomatic community is one thing, but the Australian Prime Minister? This is a man not to be trifled with. We learned that in the Spycatcher trial.
PUTIN: I remember it well. So many hilarious anecdotes in that book. It was Turnbull who brought it to the world. We must tread carefully.
MEDVEDEV: True. We don’t want to end up like Tony Abbott.
(Cabinet members cross themselves)
LAVROV: They say that his smooth manner and articulate oratory is enough to make even the strongest men reconsider their view of market economics.
PUTIN: He’s left a trail of victims in his wake, and we must not allow Mother Russia to become his latest.
MEDVEDEV: What should we do, Master? What exactly does Turnbull demand?
PUTIN: He says Syria is a client state of Russia’s.
SHOIGU: Well it is, a bit.
PUTIN: Yes, but he objects to it. He says we must pull Assad into line. He says we must not engage in any more provocative actions, and we must ensure Syria does not engage in any more provocative actions.
MEDVEDEV: This will put a real crimp in our plans to use Syria as a launching pad for our plan for a global Russian superstate.
PUTIN: Yes, but what choice do we have? If we incur the wrath of Turnbull …
PUCHKOV: Why, all Australia may turn on us!
PUTIN: And that would be the end of Russia. We owe it to our ancestors to not allow the destruction of our great nation by bringing down the might of Australia upon our soft, vulnerable heads.
MEDVEDEV: It’s true. We must obey. There is no other option.
PUTIN: Call Bashar.
MEDVEDEV: At once!
(Medvedev picks up phone)
MEDVEDEV: Bashar … it’s Dmitry … yes, from Russia. We’re fine, thank you. I’m calling to tell you, you need to back off from all the human rights abuses and massacres and so forth. Yes … yes, I know it’s part of your whole deal, but … Bashar, it might be best if you actually stood down. Yes, permanently … I know, but Bashar, we’ve received some heavy criticism. From Australia.
(Audible scream from receiver)
MEDVEDEV: Yes, so you understand the gravity of the situation. So you’ll draft the letter by tomorrow morning? Great, thanks Bashar. And … I’m sorry. It’s a real shame, but … right, can’t be helped. OK. Talk soon.
(Hangs up)
PUTIN: (exhaling in relief) OK, we’ve dodged a bullet there, ladies and gentlemen. Someone send a cable to Australia, saying we’re in full compliance and please … please leave us alone.
*As supplied to us by satirist Ben Pobjie, who assures us he speaks Russian fluently and translated the minutes himself
Crikey is committed to hosting lively discussions. Help us keep the conversation useful, interesting and welcoming. We aim to publish comments quickly in the interest of promoting robust conversation, but we’re a small team and we deploy filters to protect against legal risk. Occasionally your comment may be held up while we review, but we’re working as fast as we can to keep the conversation rolling.
The Crikey comment section is members-only content. Please subscribe to leave a comment.
The Crikey comment section is members-only content. Please login to leave a comment.