The highlight of Malcolm Turnbull’s G20 visit was a ride in “The Beast”, the US President’s armoured car, with Donald Trump. Their conversation was private, but satirist Ben Pobjie has got his mitts on an exclusive transcript. He says it’s as real as Trump’s hair, and that’s good enough for us. 

TRUMP: Hey. Hey. Monty. Hey.

TURNBULL: It’s Malcolm.

TRUMP: Don’t know him. Look at this. Look at this car. Amazing car. Great car. Just really great.

TURNBULL: It’s a very nice car, Mr President.

TRUMP: You got a car like this? You got a car like this down in Azerbaijan?

TURNBULL: Australia.

TRUMP: You bet your ass you don’t. This car is for the president of AMERICA. You got that?

TURNBULL: It’s a lovely car, Mr President. I wish I had one.

TRUMP: Of course you do. Of course you do. But you can’t ever have one. NEVER. You can’t be President. It’s illegal.

TURNBULL: Yes. Could we perhaps discuss –

TRUMP: It’s bulletproof. No bullets getting in here. If someone shoots at me it’ll just bounce off. Here I’ll show you — you get out and shoot at me. Take this gun.

TURNBULL: I’d love to, Mr President, but if we could maybe discuss the situation in North Korea.

(Sound of Mr Trump yawning)

TRUMP: That’s what I think of that, Mickey. Big snooze. Nothing but Zs. I’ve been talking North Korea all week. I did a tweet about it. Great tweet. A lot of people told me they loved my tweets about North Korea. I’ll do another one now.

(Silence for several minutes)

TRUMP: … and finish with an exclamation mark. Always finish with an exclamation mark, Mike. Lets ‘em know you mean business.

TURNBULL: Mr President, it was very kind of you to take me on this ride, but we should probably get down to business now —

TRUMP: Business is what I’m best at. I had a business, didn’t I, Melania?

MRS TRUMP: Yes Donald. You had a big business.

TRUMP: The biggest. Huge. Such a big business. That’s my wife, by the way. Beautiful, isn’t she?

TURNBULL: She’s very beautiful, Mr President. You can let go of my knee now.

TRUMP: Is that your wife?

TURNBULL: Yes, this is Lucy. You met her earlier.

MRS TURNBULL: Hello.

TRUMP: Ugh. Sad. You should get a better wife, Marty. Like mine. Beautiful wife. The best. Nobody’s got a wife like mine. You sure don’t.

TURNBULL: Mr President, I — Mr President please put your phone down.

TRUMP: I have a fridge in here. Look!

(Soft fizzing sound)

TRUMP: Want a Pepsi?

TURNBULL: No thank you, Mr President. I wanted to ask you, with regard to inter-agency cooperation on anti-terror measures … Mr President?

(loud grunting sound)

TRUMP: Uh? What? Ivanka, get my spats. Where?

TURNBULL: Maybe we should continue this at a later time. You’re very tired.

TRUMP: I’m not tired. I’m never tired. I love to work. Did you see me at the big table? Everyone was listening to me. The guy from France, the guy from Japan, the guy from that weird country. They were all like, hey Donald, tell us some good facts, and I did. They loved it. People were coming up to me in the bathroom afterwards to tell me how great my speech was, and that I was even taller than I look on TV.

TURNBULL: I think I’d like to get out now.

TRUMP: Can’t get out. This car is a FORTRESS. I think we’ve got rocket launchers. I could blow someone up with this car. Want me to blow someone up? I could blow up that German chick.

TURNBULL: Let’s go back to the hotel, Mr President.

TRUMP: I own a hotel. A big one. Don’t I, Melania?

MRS TRUMP: Yes, Donald. Very big hotel.

TRUMP: Is it time for my juice now?

MRS TRUMP: Yes, Donald.

TRUMP: It’s time for my juice. You have to get out now.

TURNBULL: Mr President, I –

TRUMP: Bye bye.

(Snoring)