(Image: Tom Red/Private Media)

COVID-19 has changed everything — even how we speak. Ever mindful of the lexiconic variations, Crikey satirist Tom Red offers a list of new words for a new world. Feel free to send in your suggestions by writing to letters@crikey.com.au.

Jibber jabbers People with no understanding of immunology who talk incessantly about immunology.

Pfizerbility study People of a certain age researching ways to get a certain jab.

Mockdown Whereby political leaders in one state ridicule public health decisions made in another.

Crockdown Whereby local authorities impose a lightning lockdown only to call it off two days later because someone misread a test result.

Smug druggler Someone who claims, with a smirk, to have secured tens of millions of vaccine doses, but hasn’t.

Irrita-bubble When your preferred “bubble buddy” dumps you and you’re reduced to sharing precious lockdown walks with a tedious, dog-mad, friend-of-a-friend from book club.

Border-line Personality Disorder A psychological condition in which people feel compelled to pack the car and drive north through the dead of night whenever they hear the words “premier”, “press” and “conference”.

Family spraycation Like a family staycation, but 18 months long and with more awkward silences, door-slamming and truth-telling.

Gerry Hatricks Wily old retail barons who miraculously trouser millions in government support that was meant for people who were actually struggling.

App-rehensive A reluctance to sign in at each and every place you visit just in case your movements become public knowledge, like Sydney’s famed BBQ dude. This condition is particularly acute among those of us who feel our lives are irrevocably mundane.

Stockholm Syndrome Going to Ikea, even though you don’t like going to Ikea.

Sales slump A turgid state of miasma brought on by watching an unchanging stream of pandemic news, opinion and journalistic axe-grinding.

Netfluke Finding something new to watch that isn’t set in space, a “quirky dramady” or “emotionally inspiring”.