He may be spending $420 million convincing us to swallow the GST we had to have – but our Prime Minister has a sensitive side. We obtained this heartfelt letter to Buck Palace from our man in Kirribilli, via the usual sources.

Kirribilli, New South Wales

30th May, 2000

Dear Nanny:

I must apologize for not having written to you for so long – but things have been moving along since you left us following your triumphant tour. You and Prince Phillip really got the monarchist movement in a rallying mood and those republicans were upset at the success of the tour.

For my own part though, I really had to go and see Bill Deane and give him a rocket for those references to the republic and the Aboriginals which got into your speech. He looked at me in a most superior way and, between us Nanny, I was squirming when I walked out of his office. I can hardly wait for him to retire – then the next GG will reflect the real mood of how I feel – those poor, disadvantaged gay republicans won’t get a look in. I have a chap called Bruce Ruxton in mind – you have met him and incidentally so has our next king, Prince Charles, who thought he was Sir Les Patterson! Mr. Ruxton sees things in shades of grey – there’s certainly no black and the white is limited.

This Aboriginal thing has got out of hand. About a half a million people walked over Sydney Harbour Bridge last Sunday – in a move to bring black and white together. I had our security people look closely at the videos to identify the pinkos and agitators. The report I got was very disturbing – in the main the people walking were mainstream, middle class Australians. No matter – we have a lot of their names for future reference.

What I intend doing right now is calling in Tony Abbott, Nick Minchin and Bronwyn Bishop and get them going in the media about reconciliation. They were brilliant during the republic debate, they dissembled their heads off and frightened people almost to death. They will help me. Nanny, when you come out here for the Commonwealth heads of Government meeting, please don’t mention the Aboriginal problem or the republic. I want those things swept away in the lead up to the elections. I’m sure Peter Costello is sniping away in the background – he wants my job but I don’t think he has a chance. I have the ministry frightened into submission and I’ve told most backbenchers they are in line for a ministry. Maggie Thatcher taught me a lot. I know you never got along with her, but she did a lot for the cause I believe in – just like Pauline Hanson here and that fellow George Speight in Fiji.

We have Parliament all this week, so I’ll write to you again next week nanny. I really appreciate your kindness to me – and Janette joins me in a groveling, forelock tuggin

Jonny

Kirribilli House

Kirribilli, New South Wales

11th June, 2000

Dear Nanny:

This has been a week like no other. You will have herad that a madman has taken over Fiji and in the Solomon Islands a group of left wing pinkos are running the place in lieu of the democratically elected government.

These events have caused a lot of problems here. My own security people have told me there’s a move afoot to capture me and get rid of my government. I gather the spooks have intercepted a series of telephone calls and the plans are well uinder way. And there’s a figure of $5 million mentioned as a ransom. But the real worry is that security have told me there would be no one willing to pay. The Labor Party has got wind of this and soon stories will be leaked. Janette is furious. Only she understands what I have really done to this country.

I’m just back from Japan where I went to the memorial service for the dead Prime Minister. Everyone was there – mid you, only ther Japs could understand what was going on, but it seemed sad. I wanted to talk to Bill Clinton, but he was too busy to see me. I was left with a bunch of South Sea Islanders, all with their hands out for more aid. Kim Beasley, the Opposition Leader, was there too and he saw almost everyone.I guess I’ll have to be more pushy.

We were soundlt thrashed in Parliament this week. The Opposition won yet again, mainly through the inefficiany and I suspect sabotage of the Public Service. I had eight million letters ready to go to everyone in Australia, pulling the wool over their eyes about our new goods and services tax – but every one of the had to be trashed. Mind you, they weren’t worth the paper they were written on, but that is beside the point. And I’m not the flavour of the month with the Liberal Party machine men as it now looks like they will have to pay for all of this.

But all this will soin fade away when I arrive in my spiritual home, London, on the multi million dollar gravy train in honour of Federation. I’ll see you again the flesh and all will be well.

In the meantime, I’d better back to the real world. I can hardly move because of the security net they have thrown around me and the sad thing is that whever Peter Costeloo sees me he bursts into uncontrolable laughter.

Love always, Nanny,

Johnnie.