We’d all hoped 2021 would make amends for the toxic bin fire that was 2020. But we were all dead wrong: 2021 turned out to be even worse.
So with our collective expectations at an all-time low, Crikey satirist Tom Red spent the week knee-deep in goat entrails to see what 2022 has in store. Here’s what he found:
Voices of…
After disappointing election results, the movement will split into two competing factions: Inside Voices, who believe in political change through spiritual wellness, and Outside Voices, who maintain they would have bagged more seats if their T-shirt and shit-posting game was more “street”.
ScoMo
2020: “I don’t hold a hose, mate.”
2021: “It’s not a race.”
2022: “You want fries with that?”
Albo
2020: lose extraneous policies, reveal new vision.
2021: lose extraneous kilos, reveal new glasses.
2022: “Thanks again, Bill, for all of your detailed feedback and suggestions, but we really, really need to wrap this meeting up now.”
Alan Jones
2020: SkyNews (national pay TV).
2021: direct to the people (online).
2022: corner of Pitt and Bathurst streets, Sydney (milkcrate and megaphone).
Language
2020: It is what it is.
2021: Or is it?
2022: I can’t even…
Space
2020: obscenely rich man-babies spend millions trying to get into space for 10 minutes.
2021: obscenely rich man-babies actually get into space for 10 minutes.
2022: the monster from Alien sends an intergalactic “cease and desist” order, threatening to destroy the earth if she encounters any more obscenely rich man-babies.
Finding love
There will be an explosion of micro-targeted dating apps to challenge big guns such as eHarmony, Grindr and Tinder. Highly rated newcomers include:
Kinda: for indifferent, noncommittal daters.
Blinda: for daters who enjoy a drink or 17.
eFervency: for daters moved by The Thorn Birds, The Vicar of Dibley and Fleabag.
eHarlotry: for unsentimental, transactional daters.
eCarpentry: for desperate renovators who can’t get a tradie to call them back via the regular channels.
Streaming TV
2020: Tiger King
2021: Squid Game
2022: The Peter Foster Story: a 17-part musical documentary, directed by Baz Luhrmann.
Reality TV
2020: I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here.
2021: I’m an Epidemiologist… Get Me Out of Here.
2022: I’m fine in here. Really. Just leave me.
Food
2020: sourdough
2021: picnic hampers
2022: Soylent Green
Drinks
2020: home-brew
2021: Aperol Spritz
2022: goon
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